Marriage and family therapist Jeff Herring, of Tallahassee, Fla., offers tips for couples on moving past an argument.

What will stir up a conflict:

¢ Bring up the same conflict over and over, called conflict rehashing.

¢ Bring it up when other conflicts arise.

¢ Beat ’em with your “angry stick.”

¢ Tell other people about it until you get someone on your side. It’s OK to talk to others to try to get some clarity, but not to rally people to your side.

¢ Never, ever let it go.

¢ Don’t talk about it at all and let the resentment build and build.

What will help clean up a conflict:

¢ Talk about it. Talking can often take the power out of a conflict.

¢ Give up your commitment to always be right now matter what.

¢ In a long-term relationship, you do not always have to see things the same way. You do, however, have to be able and willing to “crawl behind the other person’s eyes” and see it through their eyes.

¢ This is a hard one. When you are getting blasted by your partner, instead of blasting back or shutting down, ask, “Is there more?” This one, when you can get yourself to do it, can really diffuse a conflict.

¢ Find a compromise that works for both of you by meeting as many of each others’ needs as possible.