Get your laziness ready. This is once-in-a-lifetime stuff.
More than any other weekend of the season, the Big 12 Conference is receiving tons of football exposure Friday and Saturday on several different television networks - nine games in all.
I know. It's enough to blow a person's mind. But fear not: With my help, I'll get you through this weekend, one step at a time. Just cut this out, get a crowbar and a bag of chips, and do this:
3:34 p.m. - Stop working.
4:37 p.m. - Leave work through the back door.
6:33 p.m. - Check ESPN2 to see if Kansas University's football game has a pregame show, complete with Lee Corso wearing Big Jay's head and screaming "Get outta here!" to nobody in particular.
6:34 p.m. - Bummer. No pregame show. Turn it to a Seinfeld rerun instead.
6:57 p.m. - Change it to ESPN2 for good. If you have a high-definition television, wipe the drool off your chin.
7 p.m. - Kickoff for Kansas at Toledo, by far the best nonconference game of KU's season. Get comfortable.
7:12 p.m. - Forget to feed the dog.
10:04 p.m. - Game over. Go feed Buster, who by now is gnawing on his own leg.
10:17 p.m. - Go to bed, knowing that tomorrow is a life-altering experience waiting to happen.
7 a.m. - Forget to turn the alarm clock off from the work week. Karate chop it three times with a ferocity that would make Chuck Norris proud.
10:12 a.m. - Wake up. Remind the wife that you love her (trust me on this).
10:52 a.m. - Remind the wife that you love her again.
11 a.m. - Turn it to ESPN for the Iowa State-Iowa game. It's going to be a long day of Big 12 football on TV, so get any energy out of your system. You won't need it.
11:30 a.m. - Get the jump button ready. On Fox Sports Net is Marshall at Kansas State.
11:31 a.m. to 2 p.m. - Flip back and forth during slow periods (timeouts, commercials and when K-State is on offense, for example).
2 p.m. - Iowa State game just wrapped up. K-State is still in the fourth quarter, so split your attention between the Wildcats and the above-mentioned bag of chips.
2:31 p.m. - Just as K-State finishes, Oklahoma at Oregon kicks off on ABC.
2:33 p.m. - Think to yourself, "Are Oregon's players wearing uniforms or space suits?"
4:32 p.m. - Texas Tech at TCU just got started on the Outdoor Life Network. Sunflower Broadband channel 116, because I know you were wondering.
5 p.m. - Jump time. Oklahoma is wrapping up, but Texas at Rice (ESPN2) is just getting started. Your remote really is going to earn its keep the next six hours.
5:17 p.m. - The dog is whimpering by the front door, apparently needing to go to the bathroom. Remind yourself to let him out later.
6 p.m. - Uh-oh. Arizona State at Colorado on TBS. Now there are three games, and standard jump buttons can't help you. Don't panic, but understand the quandary that faces you and strategize accordingly.
6:04 p.m. - Notice that Texas is up by 13 touchdowns. Scrap that game and focus on Texas Tech and Colorado.
6:37 p.m. - Promise the wife that you'll clean the carpet and scold the dog tomorrow.
7 p.m. - Uh-oh. Nebraska at Southern California is on ABC. Do you have picture-in-picture-in-picture-in picture?
7:41 p.m. - Texas Tech just wrapped up.
8:03 p.m. - Texas just won by 115. Texas A&M and Army are about to kick off on ESPN2, so it's not getting any easier. Keep your cool.
8:17 p.m. - Thank the wife for cleaning the carpet. Say "bad dog" in the general direction of Buster, who probably doesn't understand anyway.
9:07 p.m. - Colorado just wrapped up. Say out loud "Wow, that ship is sinking fast."
10:12 p.m. - Nebraska just wrapped up.
11:13 p.m. - Texas A&M just wrapped up, finishing the Big 12 schedule for the day. Take the above-mentioned crowbar and pry yourself off the exhausted recliner. Ignore the first-born's standing ovation when you're finally on your feet.
11:21 p.m. - Go to bed. It's been a long day, and you've certainly earned the sleep for all you accomplished on this great weekend.
Just ask the wife.