An open letter to Azzam:

I must admit I’m intrigued; no one’s ever invited me to become a fanatic before.

Of course, it wasn’t just me, but all 299 million Americans you were addressing in the video posted last week on a militant Islamic Web site. You were featured with al-Qaida’s No. 2 man, Ayman al-Zawahri. “Azzam the American,” read the caption.

Al-Qaida apparently gave you that nickname, but according to the FBI – which would really like to chat with you, by the way – your real name is Adam Yahiye Gadahn. You’re 28, a Californian who’s trained at al-Qaida camps in Pakistan. The group is thought to regard you as someone who can speak to Americans in their own idiom.

You lived up to that billing in the video, advising that any unbeliever who dies in battle with Muslims is bound for hell “without passing Go.” Bet it took you a while to explain that reference to your al-Qaida pals. Most, I suspect, haven’t played much Monopoly.

The gist of the video is that, instead of following the “incoherent and illogical beliefs” of Christianity, Judaism, Buddhism and atheism, non-Muslim Americans need to join your faith while they still can. “Instead of killing yourself for Bush,” you say, “why not surrender to the truth (i.e., Islam), escape from the unbelieving army and join the winning side. Time is running out, so make the right choice before it’s too late.”

At one point, you address American soldiers directly, telling them they are only cannon fodder for a president who “couldn’t care less about your safety and well being.”

Credit where it’s due: You somehow refrain from threatening to bring down a jetliner if Americans don’t convert to your model of Islam. But then, you don’t have to threaten, do you? You’re al-Qaida, after all.

I’ve got to say, Azzam, your pitch could stand some work. You should know your fellow Americans well enough to know how unlikely it is we would be coerced at gunpoint into choosing your religion. Especially the perversion of it you represent.

It’s always been my experience that the best advertisement for a faith is not proselytizing and certainly not threats. It is, rather, the adherents of that faith observing its rituals, finding comfort in its word, struggling with its commandments, living settled and centered in its promises. To see some Jew at peace in the face of reversal, some Muslim content in the presence of want, some Christian singing praises in the valley of the shadow, this is what sells a faith. This is what makes a nonbeliever, looking on, say, I’ve got to get me some of that.

You and your kind don’t have that sort of allure, Azzam, being, well, you know … evil fanatics and all.

Frankly, it’s hard to see any upside in pledging allegiance to your version of Islam. It’s not like doing so would make anyone safer. Indeed, I find it interesting that you condemn President Bush for not caring about American soldiers.

Do you know how many Muslims were killed in the Sept. 11 attacks? Me neither. As far as I know, there’s been no official count, though former Secretary of State Colin Powell, in a speech, once put the toll at 500.

That’s as good a figure as any, I suppose. Five hundred Muslims killed. By a group that purports to fight the oppression of Muslims. You want to talk “incoherent and illogical beliefs”? Start there.

Azzam, Lord knows the “War on Terror” has been ineptly and inefficiently prosecuted. But that’s OK. Presidents come and go. The national will, especially on a matter such as this, endures.

Because I know that, I can make you this promise: We will live to see you die.

So thanks for the offer to join up. In response, I’d like to say, please stick your offer where the sun don’t shine.

There’s another Americanism you can explain to your friends.