Q: Dear Dr. Wes and John: With so many families having to juggle jobs, activities and schooling, it seems that the home isn’t a place where we can actually sit and have an old-fashioned dinner. We try to do this a couple of times a week, but it seems we always have so much going on. It seems like our calendars are so filled up. I’m guessing cutting back in certain areas would be the best thing, but are there any other recommendations?

– Chat participant

A: Dr. Wes: I’m not sure the “old-fashioned family dinner” was ever as common as we think. It sure isn’t now. Only 33 percent of families routinely eat dinner together, and half of them do so with the TV on. The real issue is one of modern barriers to time spent together.

Over 13 years, I’ve watched families responding to a remarkable growth in technology. We can now manage more information, produce more goods and services and involve ourselves in more activities than ever before. Increasingly this hyper-drive world is too full of possibilities. We’ve gone from recognizing Type-A people to creating a Type-A culture that richly reinforces people for overwork, over-spending, over-media consumption and overactive leisure time. Who has time for dinner? We have drive-through. Conversation? We have text messaging. Keeping track of what those kids are up to? We have cell phones.

Many wonder why psychopharmaceuticals are now so widely consumed. I believe one under-researched reason is this increasingly manic pace of life, in which people expect too much of themselves and hand down those expectations through the schools, sports teams, jobs, etc., to their children. As but one example, many Lawrence elementary schools have truncated recess at lunch and dropped it completely in the morning. Instead, I vote we extend recess into junior high to encourage physical activity and leisure time as a way to decompress over-stressed kids. Yet schools themselves are stressed out with arbitrary benchmarks like the inept “No Child Left Behind.” No time for silly things like play and recreation. A hyper-drive society creates hyper-drive people, resulting in the kind of family you describe in your comment.

For those wanting to rebel against the machine: 1) Sit down and make some hard decisions about what is and isn’t important to you. 2) Decide how to ENACT those priorities over the long haul. Pace yourself so that the time spent together doesn’t simply reinforce the manic lifestyle. One amped-up trip to Disney World isn’t as valuable as many short trips to museums, ball games, go cart tracks or something that can be sustained more easily and economically. 3) See a financial planner to learn to live on less. 4) “Divide and conquer.” Send dad with the young kids and mom with the older ones to do things that fit their age levels, then switch off the next time. 5) When two parents are in the picture (divorced or not), it’s not sufficient to have one strictly stay-at-home and one peripheral, overburdened, working parent. Both need to be active with their kids, even if that means both work less and involve themselves more. 6) Use your cool PDA or Day Planners to schedule time with kids – just as you would a meeting with the Executive Vice President of Important Work Stuff. If you take time with kids as seriously as a business meeting, you can beat the hyper family syndrome.

John: One of the best “tough love” actions my parents ever took was not to subscribe to cable or satellite TV. At first, I was jealous of my friends’ programming options, but after I spent time watching TV with them, I realized what a waste of time it was. Television has an addictive quality to it, and your brain works slower while watching TV than sleeping. Very little bonding can occur while individuals gaze at a cardboard box because there is so little interaction. If TV dinners have become the norm in your family, give the tube a break for a week. You’ll be surprised how little you miss it.

While it is good to carry out events with the whole family, one-on-one bonding also has its place. Learn about the interests of your family members and try participating in their hobbies. If your sister enjoys video games, for instance, try playing some multi-player games together. If your brother will be acting in a play, make sure to attend a production and congratulate him at the end. Often, this will mean feigning interest in subjects you don’t care for, but remember that these relationships are investments that will pay dividends for the rest of your life.

While it’s true that society puts a lot of pressure on individuals to work overtime, it also allows plenty of opportunities for wasted time. Minor distractions like television and instant messaging can waste hours during the week if you don’t make an effort avoid them. On the other hand, some people try to accomplish too much, and make unwise sacrifices in health and relationships to do so. There will be times of crisis when your urgent needs require every waking hour, but if a manic lifestyle has become your routine, take a moment to reconsider what your real priorities are in life. (“The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens,” by Sean Covey, contains lots of insight on this topic.)

Eating meals together is important, and your family should make every effort to bring everyone together. But it never hurts to get creative. Try talking to your parents while doing chores, or strike up conversation while driving in the car. It is good that you are making an effort to spend time with your family, and it will get easier with practice. Your family provides you with the most important relationships of your life, and you will find that as they improve, so will you relationships with everyone else.

Next week: Spring break has become a new family argument. Should parents let their 16- and 17-year-olds jet off to Panama City? Early planning for spring controversy.

– Dr. Wes Crenshaw is a board-certified family psychologist and director of the Family Therapy Institute Midwest. John Murray is a Free State High School senior. Opinions and advice given here are not meant as a substitute for psychological evaluation or therapy services. Send your questions about adolescent issues to doubletake@ljworld.com. All correspondence is strictly confidential.