The food isn’t the same. The tree isn’t right, and your family would never do it that way. For some people, celebrating the holidays with the in-laws isn’t as merry.

It’s natural for a person to feel anxiety when they spend the holiday with their significant other’s family instead of their own, says psychotherapist James Rapson, co-author of “Anxious to Please” (Sourcebooks, $14.95).

“As humans, we are designed to highly value the sense of belonging,” Rapson says.

Not celebrating with family can hurt a person’s sense of belonging. But asking the host to make changes to the food, the tree or the celebration can offend. So how can a new family member bring a sense of familiarity to a new holiday experience?

“Lead with your need,” Rapson says.

Speak privately with the host and explain your need: “I’m really missing my family. It would make me feel better if I could bring a favorite dish.” Rapson says this will be far more effective than simply suggesting a random change.

“The mistake people make is they downplay the need part,” Rapson says.

Instead of admitting their need, people often phrase their desire as a suggestion. “They come in and say, ‘Hey, what about doing this with the tree instead?’ Often, the response is a little flat. And the person feels like, ‘I don’t fit here,”‘ Rapson says.

It’s not that the person doesn’t fit in; they just didn’t ask the right question. So hosts might want to reinterpret suggestions from new family members. When your nephew’s new wife asks if you want an extra dessert – like her family’s favorite flan – she’s not trying to mess up your menu. She’s seeking a sense of familiarity and belonging.

“Familiarity is so important,” Rapson says.