Dear Dr. Wes and Marissa: Let me ask you something about Valentine’s Day. How many depressed teens/singles do you encounter on this great “feel-like-crap-if-you-are-single” day?

– Teenage Boy

Dr. Wes: Forty-two. There are exactly 42 depressed teens on any given Valentine’s Day, which, not incidentally, is the answer to life, the universe and everything, as fans of “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” know. However, what I think you are really asking is whether Valentine’s Day is all it’s cracked up to be as far as romance is concerned.

I hadn’t considered this much before my interview with the Kansas University student television channel, during which I was asked why so many couples break up around the holiday. My answer: The day creates an arbitrary focus on relationships that isn’t present the rest of the year. Under that focus, some of those relationships crack because one partner isn’t as “into it” as the other.

Your letter suggests a similar focus. It’s actually one I hear from many clients in February: Valentine’s Day might just as well be called Single Awareness Day because it puts a greater focus on relationships, and those who aren’t in one tend to compare themselves with those who are. Because relationships are at the center of the universe for most teens, any focus on being alone can feel very depressing. Truthfully, a great deal of the therapy I do with teenagers and young adults is helping them learn how to love and be loved by others. So this is a pretty big issue.

I suggest setting a goal to make next year’s Valentine’s Day far less crappy than this one. There are just as many lonely teenage girls out there as there are boys – maybe more. Your job is to set up a plan to find them. Contrary to popular belief, “hanging out” and going to wild drunken parties doesn’t necessarily yield the best dating pool. Instead, figure out what you are good at. If you do well in clubs or youth groups, find the largest one you can and enroll. If you are more of an online person, join MySpace or Xanga. Just be cautious about how much information you share with people online until you know who they really are. You probably don’t want to date some 47-year-old convicted felon pretending to be a 16-year-old girl. When you hit 18 there are online dating services that have been surprisingly successful for many young adults. If you are a gamer, get involved with the groups that have both guys and girls. In short, find your dating pool. It’s out there.

Marissa: The exact number is unknown to me, but I believe that there are many more than 42. Although Valentine’s Day puts more attention on couples than most other holidays, any holiday can get a single person feeling down.

If your main goal is to find someone to spend the next V-day with, I thought I might share with you the top three things that I think young men our age are doing wrong. There are some serious misconceptions out there, and these just might help you:

1. I was speaking to a male friend of mine just the other day and he was saying how he and the girl he was trying to start a relationship with never talk about their feelings. It seems to be the general misperception that if guys expresses their emotions, girls will think they’re gay. Let me say that this is 100 percent wrong. Girls like to know that you have feelings. Showing them will only make the relationship better.

2. A lot of people I know are really into playing games when it comes to starting a relationship. For example, some subtly try to make the other person jealous. Believe me, the kind of girl you want will not put up with that kind of behavior, and you shouldn’t either.

3. There are too many generalizations about women floating around. No matter what magazines and TV tell you, not all girls are the same. It’s just as silly to assume all men are alike. This means that you cannot go into a date or relationship expecting to know how it will turn out. Being bitter about a past relationship is practically dooming the next to failure.

You shouldn’t feel like you must be in a relationship to be happy. Plenty of people are doing just fine without a significant other. Still, having someone in your life to talk to and depend on (aside from family) can be wonderful. Even if you didn’t have anyone with whom to share this last Valentine’s Day, I can guarantee that you’ll have someone for a future one.

Next week: A parent asks for thoughts on bipolar disorder.

– Dr. Wes Crenshaw is a board-certified family psychologist and director of the Family Therapy Institute Midwest. Marissa Ballard is a Lawrence High School senior. Opinions and advice given here are not meant as a substitute for psychological evaluation or therapy services. Send your questions about adolescent issues to doubletake@ljworld.com. All correspondence is strictly confidential.