Dear Dr. Wes and Marissa: Can not having a girlfriend in today’s sexually influenced society lead to depression? If so, would it lead to a vicious cycle? – Lonely Teen

Dr. Wes: We’ve often discussed sex, birth control and dating. But what hasn’t come up as often in Double Take is the even more common issue of teen loneliness. In fact, I spend a great deal of time working with kids and young adults who are seeking healthy and supportive romantic partners. It’s not easy, so I empathize with your struggle.

The teen years are a time of transition in what psychologists call “psychosexual development” from childhood to young adulthood. If teens don’t have adequate access to those relationships, loneliness follows. While some people are introverted by design, even these teens yearn for a small number of close relationships. If a teen doesn’t have social support and they don’t feel lonely, I get worried about more serious psychological problems.

As for depression following loneliness, the answer is “definitely.” We’ve discussed antidepressants here before. I find them least helpful in coping with loneliness. While meds may be helpful in decreasing clinically diagnosed social anxiety, the real cure for teen loneliness lies in changing social situations and building greater and more supportive social networks. Ironically, there are a lot of lonely teens. If you think about it, this makes no sense. If there are so many of you out there, why don’t you all just have a party and get to know each other? Easier said than done, of course, because lonely people wouldn’t be lonely if they found it easy to organize lonely people into having a party.

Instead, I think there may be some real promise in online services such as MySpace and Xanga. Online dating services for the 18-plus crowd have been a great tool for shy adults to break out of their shells. Used in a safe and sensible manner, MySpace and Xanga can help teenagers in the same community or short distances apart find one another. You also can meet friends from around the world, though I’m not a big fan of online romance. Getting to know someone from across town and then going out to coffee is one thing. Striking up a romance with some dude in Brazil is quite another. At best it prevents important real-world contact that is the basis of healthy teen growth and development. At worst, it’s dangerous. The watchword for lonely teens online is “guidance.” Work with an adult to be sure your attempt to reach out over cyberspace is a smart one. That doesn’t mean sharing your e-mails with mom. It just means consulting her as the relationship progresses.

Less high-tech families try to compensate for a lonely teen by getting them involved in sports or Scouts. That’s great, but it doesn’t provide any practice in the crucial area of human intimacy. Better to involve kids in co-ed youth groups, where they can meet other teens in a somewhat regulated environment. Camps can be especially great for this, and most churches and many community groups offer them. Hang in there. I know it’s depressing, but if Napoleon Dynamite can find love : so you can you.

Marissa: While sex does play a big role on our society, I think that relationships play an even bigger one. Many teens feel pressured to have a boyfriend or girlfriend because it is considered the “cool” thing to do. Being in a relationship is as trendy as the latest iPod. This pressure can make a single teen feel insecure about herself.

I have nothing against relationships. They can be wonderful for teens and adults alike. You have to be careful though. People can hide in relationships and end up not developing their own personalities. I have known more than one girl who constantly had a boyfriend from junior high on. It’s not a good pattern to get into because eventually you will be alone and you will need to know how to do things and be independent.

Another typical problem is that people can be so desperate for a relationship that they will settle for less than they deserve. I see it happen so often, and it is very upsetting. A girlfriend is nice to have, but if you can tell early on that she is not really what you are looking for, staying with her is not worth the time and heart that is invested. It’s much smarter to move on before it becomes too complicated.

It’s easy to become depressed due to the lack of a relationship, but I think you are making it harder on yourself by letting it get you down. To be honest, depressed people are rarely attractive people to date. Instead of focusing on the lack of a love interest, focus your attention on other things. Find something you enjoy, and let that be your hobby. My experience has been that the best relationships tend to happen when you are not looking for them.

Next week: The difficult side of Father’s Day: A young teen writes about the father she wishes she had versus the one she does have.