Drat. The Royals hired a new general manager, and they didn't bother to consult me. And I had all of these great suggestions, too. For instance :
Hire Bill James: How embarrassing for the Royals that one of the country's most respected analysts of baseball personnel lives 50 miles down the road in Lawrence, yet works for the Boston Red Sox as an advisor. An avowed Royals fan, James certainly couldn't hurt K.C.'s rebuilding process.
Sell Angel Berroa to the Mexican League: No player epitomizes the Royals' inability to recognize talent (or lack of it) than Berroa, a middling mediocrity whose dispassion for the game is exceeded only by his inability to recognize that the strike zone isn't the same size as a third-world country.
Adopt Pin-Striped Uniforms: Sure, the Royals would be accused of trying to emulate the New York Yankees, but at least the vertical striping would make Matt Stairs look thinner.
Jettison the Pitching Coach: The Royals have had, what, 106 pitching coaches over the last 10 years? Obviously, a pitching coach is just one of those dyed-in-the-wool baseball traditions. Maybe it's time to think outside the box and let the K.C. slab men stand on their own two feet. It might not help, but it couldn't hurt.
Or Make Mike Sweeney Pitching Coach: With his best days behind him, the oft-injured Sweeney would be the world's highest-paid pitching coach, but at least the Royals would be getting something out of him.
Stop Making Confusing Player Acquisitions: A classic example was adding Seth Etherton to a pitching staff that also includes Scott Elarton. Just when the fans are beginning to learn who Elarton is, along comes Etherton. It's bad enough having Mark Grudzielanek and Doug Mientkiewicz on the roster.
Avoid the Dreaded Teahen-Buck Syndrome: Do not - repeat, do not - trade for young players who look good in uniforms, but cannot play. Mark Teahan and John Buck may appear to be the quintessential third baseman and catcher respectively, but both have pronounced weaknesses. For example, neither can hit or field.
Dig Deeper into Players' Makeups: Zach Greinke. Need I say more?
Hawk Naming Rights to Kauffman Stadium: Petco Park, Safeco Park, Minute Maid Park, U.S. Cellular Field, etc. Heck, even the home of the K.C. T-Bones is CommunityAmerica Ballpark. Nobody needs the extra sponsorship money more than the mini-market Royals. I'm not talking about removing Ewing Kauffman's name from the facility. They can still call it Kauffman Field at (Sponsor's Name Goes Here) Stadium.
Wash Your Hands of Jeremy Affeldt: Supposedly the owner of enough mound skills to be a 20-game winner, Affeldt has been perched on the pedestal of potential for five seasons now. Players generally reach their prime at age 27. Guess how old Affeldt will be next week?
Bring Prospects to the Big Leagues Now: If you're going to lose 120 games, why do it with over-the-hill, one-dimensional players like Grudzielanek, Mientkiewicz, Reggie Sanders, Tony Graffanino and Emil Brown? And just who is Elmer Dessens anyway?