Dear Dr. Wes and Marissa: I have two friends who I consider to be two of my best friends, or at least so I thought. Over the last few months, they have started ditching me almost completely, and instead they hang out with each other and their boyfriends. They don’t really ditch me unless their boyfriends are around, which really annoys me. I have confronted both of them about this two different times, and yet nothing has changed at all. So now I don’t know what to do. A large part of me wants to say screw them and be completely done with the friendship. And then a small part of me is afraid to end the friendship, even though I kind of think I need to. So what should I do? – Senior Girl

Dr. Wes: First of all, I’m assuming there aren’t other factors affecting this situation. For example, your friends could be upset with you and using their boyfriends as a pretense to ditch you. If, after a careful self-analysis, you’re pretty sure things are otherwise cool, then you have to judge them by their word and action. They seem to be caught up in wild romance, and simply hanging out with a girlfriend can’t compare. Try not to take this too personally. It’s probably not about you.

That said, I happen to think your friend’s approach isn’t a great idea for young women of your age group, yet I see it happening all the time. In fact, boyfriends seem to be the No. 1 reasons girlfriends break up. I’ve had quite an influx lately of 15- to 19-year-old girls who are pretty much married. While I applaud their exclusivity in a world of sexual exploration, I worry that they are losing out on important relationships with peers. Many friendships deteriorate with lack of interest. In other cases, girls fight it out (literally and figuratively) over guys, ruining friendships that have lasted since grade school. The old adage that no guy is worth coming between two friends has gone out the window lately. Now, teen girls seem increasingly less interested in maintaining healthy friendships, which all the research shows is a big mistake.

To some degree, this tapers off by college – or at least it begins to exist in a more healthy context. My theory is that by then the fabulously romantic teenage years give way to more mature and balanced relationships. The bottom line is quite simple: You have to nurture any relationship to keep it going. If your friends don’t put forth that effort, maybe it’s time to get some new friends. But don’t get mad and tell them off on the way out. They may grow out of this, and someday you’ll want to hang out with them again.

You might start looking to see who else is interesting and strike up a few new friendships with them. Alternatively, you might want to hang out what little you can with the old friends during the next year, then graduate and find a new crowd among the young adults at college or work.

Marissa: I have had this situation happen with numerous friends, and it seems there’s not really much you can do. It’s understandable that you are hurt by their lack of interest in being your friend, but you should try to not take it to heart. Every teen girl I have known has gotten wrapped up in her relationships to the point that friends take a back seat.

You have a couple of options, however. The first is that you could stay angry and decide to end the friendships yourself. While you might think it would be hard to substitute two best friends, I’m sure there are plenty of other girls you know that you could spend time with and become closer to.

Alternately, you could take a relaxed approach and let them come around in their own time. Pursue other interests and activities, and you might end up meeting new friends in the process. Either way, you don’t have to replace them. Unless there is some other level to the situation, simply because you do not hang out as often shouldn’t automatically mean that you are no longer friends.

Like Wes said, most junior high and high school relationships do not last very long. Once their relationships are over, your friends will realize how much they have isolated themselves and will end up truly regretting it. After being absent so long, it’s hard to get back into the groove of your girlfriends’ lives.

In the end, they’re going to be the ones that missed out on a friendship. Don’t feel bad about the fact they drifted from you. If nothing else, use this experience to help keep you aware of your own actions towards your friends once you are in a relationship.

Next week: A gay teen girl is cutting, but therapy isn’t working. A friend asks what to do.