Dear Dr. Wes and Marissa: I have a friend who is 17 years old and wants to have a baby. She has been with her current boyfriend for only six months and says that she doesn’t know if she’s completely in love with him or not. She plans to get pregnant in August 2006 and graduate in December 2006, then move into a house with her boyfriend, who’s 22 years old. He plans on supporting her with an income from a delivery job. My friend also says that she doesn’t want her kids to grow up in a broken home like she had to. It seems to me that she selfishly wants to bring a baby into this world with a man she’s not sure she loves.

– Junior Girl

Marissa: Though it sounds like an odd situation, it is alarmingly common. The proof of this can be seen in local schools and by browsing online diary communities. There are groups created to support teenagers trying to become pregnant, Web sites dedicated to advising and encouraging teenagers wanting a baby, and forums for teens to come together and talk about it.

Statistics show that the majority of teen girls trying to get pregnant come from homes where the parents are divorced. Bad relationships with parents were a trend among young mothers. Victims of abuse also were more likely to become pregnant during their teenage years. My guess would be that she fits into one of these categories. A reoccurring reason among teens want to have a baby is that they want someone they can love and who will love them in return. Babies give very little love in the first years of their life and require an astonishing amount. I do not think your friend has an accurate view of what raising a baby will be like.

Very few teens are in the position to successfully raise a child, and your comment that your friend “selfishly wants to bring a baby into this world with a man she’s not sure she loves” is right on the mark. Not only is having a baby challenging, but at such a young age it is also financially crippling. Studies show that the cost of a baby varies based on income levels. Assuming that she is still dependent on her parents, she is probably at the lower end of the spectrum. That still puts the cost at $6,490 to $7,560 a year.

Try to convince her that this is not the best option for her. Some resources for statistics on teenage pregnancy are sheknows.com, ttfpa.org and plannedparenthood.org.

Wes: Wow. This ranks at the top of the list of bad teen ideas. You need look only as far as this column (Nov. 1, 2005, available through www.ftimidwest.com) for an example of how this usually plays out. It’s one thing when a young person has a birth control failure or is not careful enough. It is another when two youngsters intentionally set themselves on a course that all the research and clinical experience tell us has little likelihood of success. Not only does this cut off cold a teenager’s normal growth to adulthood, it draws another innocent human being into an inherently unstable situation. In fact, I can’t think of any good reason why anyone would do something like this, yet I see it happen often.

As Marissa notes, teens in dysfunctional homes can become so desperate to feel what it’s like to be in a “normal” family that they try to create that experience for themselves. However, young people from problem homes actually need to take MORE time, not less, to learn about themselves and others before trying to create the perfect family they missed out on as a child.

Finally, one can debate when kids are ready for sex, marriage, alcohol, driving, etc., but there is little debate about whether teens are ready to have children. As we’ve discussed before, brain development isn’t finished until the early 20s, when among other things, young adults become a great deal less self-oriented and thus more capable of considering others first. Simply put: It’s not about your friend. It’s about the baby. The fact that this has not dawned on her tells us volumes about her readiness to have a child.

It would be wrong of me to end without noting the heroic effort of many young mothers. Despite staggering obstacles, many do the best job imaginable under the circumstances. However, while most love their little ones, they usually end up wishing they had waited to experience the joys of parenting. Your friend will be no different. She should not deliberately put herself in such a position, just as she should not get into a car accident just because she sees paraplegics dealing heroically with their injuries. She has about 20 years of reproductive opportunity at her disposal. There is nothing glamorous about being a “baby mama” – especially if you are her child.

Next week: A response to our take on parents who trust their teens.

– Dr. Wes Crenshaw is a board-certified family psychologist and director of the Family Therapy Institute Midwest. Marissa Ballard is a Lawrence High School senior. Opinions and advice given here are not meant as a substitute for psychological evaluation or therapy services. Send your questions about adolescent issues to doubletake@ljworld.com. All correspondence is strictly confidential.