Dear Dr. Wes and Marissa: I have a problem with trusting my daughter. Her best friend’s mother called to inform me that my daughter is responsible for supplying the alcohol in a recent event; however, my daughter denies even being present at the event. How can I determine whether my daughter is telling the truth or if her best friend is trying to pin the blame on her?

Wes: Readers of this column know that I’m not a huge fan of trusting teenagers. It’s not that I don’t like them. I’m not preaching that “today’s generation” is dangerous, running amok and taking with them our decent way of life. I just know that the whole point of adolescence is to make oneself different than one’s parents, whereas our goal as parents is to make our kids as much like we want them to be. There has to be a natural tension here, and the battlefield on which adolescence is fought is usually around the issue of trust.

I usually suggest verification instead of trust, but in this case the situation already has happened and it is hard to know who to bless or blame. The only thing worse than trying to figure out whether you can trust one young person is trying to figure out which one to trust in a group. Each of these kids is probably motivated to lie about her role in the matter. On the other hand, I’ve actually seen several kids lately get the rap for things I’m pretty sure they didn’t do because friends dumped on them.

This is why having a relationship with other parents is important. I suggest you get both girls and their parents together, sit down in someone’s living room and have a talk. I would do this as a bit of a surprise so that stories don’t have a chance to “get straight.” Someone isn’t being honest here. If neither girl will cop to supplying the booze, I’d ground them both. You have to have the cooperation of the other parent. If you don’t, you won’t get to the bottom of the matter.

Some will argue that this is too drastic and that it could damage the relationship between the girls. However, supplying alcohol to minors is a serious offense, and it could land your daughter, her friend or anyone else in major hot water. I know it goes on all the time here and in most towns, but that doesn’t mean you have to tolerate it. If the other parent is up for it, I’d try this intervention. If you need a mediator, a good family therapist knows how to do this sort of thing.

Marissa: I know that underage drinking occurs nearly every weekend in this town, as I am sure it does in many towns. Situations like these pop up numerous times in high school and beyond. Alcohol is readily available to most teens in this town simply by making a phone call. As crazy as that sounds, it’s true, and parents need to start understanding that.

Someone in your daughter’s group messed up somewhere along the line, and somehow your daughter was involved. She may not be the culprit this time, but chances are if the friends she’s been hanging out with were drinking, she has been, too, in the past. I don’t think an allegation like this can simply come from nowhere. What Wes suggests is a good method, but you don’t always have the cooperation of the parents. And I also think that it can be handled in a more private way – one that involves only your family. In this case, something else must be done.

I think trust is the main issue. A few questions could help you decide what you’re going to do: Has your daughter ever been in a situation like this before? Have you ever caught her drinking? Does she have a habit of lying? Behavior patterns, I think, are really a key element here. If she claims she was not at this party, does she have a way of proving where she was?

I know it sounds like an interrogation, but as Wes notes above, if she continues to be involved in this sort of behavior, it could result in a legal situation in the future.

Send your questions about adolescent issues to doubletake@ljworld.com. All correspondence is strictly confidential.

Next week: Teenage girls who want to be pregnant.