Balancing faiths

Choosing the religious aspects in an interfaith ceremony can be tricky for an already stressful event

The hard part was finding each other; the planning should be easy, right?

The truth is that sometimes for interfaith couples there can be a few more hiccups along the road to the altar than for couples who share the same religion. But with a little planning and lots of sensitivity, you can navigate your way to the altar without having to call international summit.

Here are some ways to prevent religious roadblocks:

Get on the Same Page

By this time, couples likely have had the big “religion” discussion. (And if not, there’s no time like the present.) There are major topics to cover: how to handle religion in a marriage, with families and with future kids. The children part is often a real obstacle. That’s why it’s important to discuss the religious practices observed, and any new traditions to be implemented. If he’s got to have Santa and you’ve got to have Passover, now’s the time to hash it out. By the time you get to your wedding planning you want to have these decisions securely under your belt.

Decide: Civil or Religious

One easy-as-pie way to skirt some of the complex, anxiety-inducing decisions that can surround an interfaith wedding is to leave religion out of your ceremony all together. If a couple is comfortable having a beautiful, meaningful, spiritual ceremony led by a judge, a justice of the peace or an ordained family friend, that may well be the best route. If not?

If religion is something that has to stay in the picture, deciding on the basics is key. Find the three most important religious elements to include, and those things that are off-limits. Bring notes. Compare and contrast. If something is on one either of your “absolutely not” lists, then it shouldn’t be part of the ceremony even if it’s on the other’s “important” list. It bears repeating: Make sure you have these discussions before anyone else gets involved. It’s you two getting married after all.

Spread the Word

Now that you’ve settled on the most important parts of your religious ceremony, it’s time to share the news with your families, which can often be harder than the decisions you’ve made. In the best-case scenario, they, like you, are thrilled that you’ve found the love of your life and couldn’t care less that you celebrate different holidays. But if they’re having a hard time dealing with religious differences, it’s important to discuss plans for the ceremony and give them time to adjust. Be open to their suggestions of how to tweak it. But all decisions should be made by the couple. In private.

Find the Right Officiant

Choosing an officiant who makes the couple feel comfortable and who believes in the union is essential. Word of mouth and the Internet are two great places to start. Ask around. Chances are other interfaith couples have found local officiants happy to perform interfaith marriages. Make sure you start working on this early on in the planning.

Establish Your Traditions

Every religion has beautiful traditions associated with it. The best part of an interfaith ceremony is seeing how these amazing traditions and readings interplay in a truly one-of-a-kind ceremony. Consider all possibilities and choose traditions that are meaningful to you both. Whatever you choose, create a program that includes explanations and transliterations of customs, so family and friends can understand and participate in unfamiliar traditions.

Religion can be a sticky subject. It touches on very deeply held beliefs. Make sure you and your fiance form a united front and that you’re patient with others who express reservations about the ceremony. And, if your wedding guests learn something about another religion, your wedding has made the world a more understanding place. How many same-faith couples can say that?