Dear Marissa and Dr. Wes: I respect that your experience with teens suggests that “trusting” kids often results in their running roughshod over their hapless and unsuspecting parents. However, I remain troubled by this implication of your approach: I don’t see how kids who behave principally because of fear of parental punishment eventually become responsible adults, which I define as behaving according to one’s own developed sense of ethics and morals. To ask the question bluntly, what’s the point of keeping ’em alive through high school if they’re just going to kill themselves and others when they leave home and get out from under the parental thumb? When and how do adults learn the difference, for example, between drinking too much at home after work (bad) and drinking and driving (VERY bad) unless they assumed increasing amounts of independence and trust as teenagers?

Wes: I don’t see the problem – or our answers – in the way you describe them. Kids aren’t tramping over goofy, doormat-like parents. Instead, one of two conditions often exist among “trusting parents.” Some believe that it’s the “other kids” who go out drinking, drugging and having unprotected sex. They assume their kids are so well-raised and good-mannered as never to be drawn to such things. More inexplicable are parents who actually did these things themselves: They survived adolescence intact, so they think their children will, too. When in doubt, they download an iTunes file of The Who, advising our ’70s parents that “The Kids are Alright” and assume this same piece of wisdom applies to their 2006 kids.

The road to adulthood is paved with the mistakes, mishaps and foolishness you propose above. Each SHOULD be a learning experience. However, that road is a hell of a lot more dangerous now than it was in our teen years. In response, we can sit back as laissez-faire or democratic parents and allow them to find their way with a gentle nudge now and then, or we can become controlling autocrats, snoopervising everything our kids do. The former parents trust their child’s “inner wisdom” (a commodity yet to be proven in psychological literature) to find solutions while they listen empathically. The latter trusts nothing about their child, expecting her to fail at every turn or fall victim to “peer pressure” if allowed outside of family influence.

Research, instead, suggests the “authoritative” style of parenting. Authoritative parents are both demanding and responsive to their kids, setting clear standards for their conduct. They are assertive but not intrusive and restrictive. Their discipline is supportive rather than punitive. They strive to make teens socially responsible and self-regulating, but realize they will not be capable of sensible autonomy until well past the age of majority. Authoritative parents do not expect their children to accept their judgments, values and goals without questioning, and are willing to explain why they are taking a certain action.

But they do take action. They believe their job is to impart values regarding the treatment of self and others. Nowhere in this literature is the authoritative parent advised to be trusting. He instead recognizes that teens are “born to trouble as the sparks fly upward,” while realizing that influence and not control is the best hedge in responding to that reality.

Good old “natural and logical consequences” are a valid approach to discipline. However, today’s consequences include addiction to hard drugs available at our local schools, early pregnancy and incurable STDs. One must act assertively to guide young people along this obstacle-laden path to prevent the learning of life lessons from becoming too hard.

Finally, the worst thing about trust is a lot more basic than all of this: It sets parents up for disappointment when their teen blows it. This leads parents to take teen mistakes too personally, leaving them feeling disrespected and betrayed. That’s why I suggest setting up a method of verification for teens that is age-appropriate and diminishes slowly as they work their way out of the home. None of this overprotects teenagers. It simply holds them accountable and makes protection a team effort – not a one up-one down proposition.

Marissa: I never intended to give the impression that parents should not trust their teens. I simply meant to give a few suggestions on how to judge who to believe. The situation was complicated because it was unclear as to how it should be handled. There were allegations, but no proof.

In circumstances where it is one person’s word against another’s, parents can be caught in the middle – especially when the other voice is that of someone they want to believe. The questions I posed to the parent were ones to help decide whether it was a logical accusation against their daughter.

I agree with your position to an extent. Overprotective parents, in my opinion, handicap their children once they leave home. But I also believe it’s the same for parents who give their children too much slack and a lack of common sense, or a realistic comprehension of consequences. My grandmother once told me a story in which she called her mother shortly after she became married and yelled at her for never teaching her how to be a housewife. She said that she wished her mother would have made her push a vacuum every now and then, instead of catering to her needs so readily. Parents can instill in their children basic living skills while giving them their due freedoms.

As with most things in life, there needs to be balance. The details of that balance vary greatly within the family involved. I agree that teenagers should gradually assume increasing amounts of independence, but they also need to be called out when they have made a poor decision. There was no indication of the amount of independence the daughter mentioned had. Nevertheless, independent teenagers need just as much reprimand as those who are more restricted.

In my experience with my parents, I see the “gradual independence” process much like reeling in a fish. Relaxing the line, and then pulling swift and hard when the fish begins to pull in the wrong direction. Teens need that time of a “lax line,” but it is also essential that they have someone to jerk them back when it is necessary.

Next week: Sex and the underage teen: What every teen and her parents should know about the federal court ruling on underage sex.