Cue the music and make sure Jerry Jones gets to makeup. While you're at it, check wardrobe and see if they have a spare bicycle racing suit for Terrell Owens.
This just in from Dallas, where the old TV show by the same name has nothing on the drama this soap opera figures to generate by the time it's over:
Owens knows his body better than anyone. He's been saying that for weeks when anyone questions why he doesn't practice. T.O. just hasn't figured a way to get that body out of bed on time.
Not to worry, says our star, because these kind of things happen. Besides, don't they play most NFL games in the afternoon and at night?
"I think everybody has overslept, you know, once or twice in their life before," Owens said Monday. "Nothing intentional, something that happened. There's nothing I can do about it."
Actually, T.O., there is.
You might try what most working stiffs who have to get up in the morning to pay bills do - buy a couple of alarm clocks and make sure you set them before you go to bed.
Heck, take part of that $5 million bonus the Cowboys paid you and hire a personal wake-up attendant. If you still can't get up, he could toss a glass of cold water on you.
Who knows, you might even stretch out that hammy while chasing him out of the house. That would make your boss happy because he's been wondering lately why you've been riding your exercise bike while your co-workers are out doing their jobs.
You do know the boss, don't you? He's the big guy in shorts who spent 10 minutes the other day answering questions about you while barely mentioning your name once.
Maybe he's not sure what it is. He didn't come to the welcoming party Jones gave, and the two of you apparently haven't had time to get together for a good chat since you joined the company.
That's not good because communication is everything. Just look how effectively you were able to communicate in Philadelphia when you let the world know that one quarterback was a quitter and another one might be gay.
Oh yeah, the coaches were pond scum, too.
And it's not like the big guy doesn't like to talk. He spent some time chatting with his injured kicker, so why wouldn't he spend some time chatting with his star receiver?
With good reason, apparently.
"I had something to talk to (Mike) Vanderjagt about," Bill Parcells said. "I didn't have anything to talk to Terrell about right this moment."
OK, let's see. You're the coach of one of the premier teams in the NFL and the guy brought in to be your franchise player has missed 20 practices and three preseason games with a hamstring injury that doesn't show up on MRI's.
The same player has a history of disrupting every team he's been on and he shows up late for practice only to say it's no big deal because everyone oversleeps occasionally. The same player also suggests you don't need to see him practice because you can watch 10 years of highlight tapes.
And you have nothing to talk to him about?