Dear Dr. Wes & Marissa: I’m a single mother of one child who became pregnant a second time. I knew if I kept the second baby I’d be in over my head, but I felt like if I had the child for somebody else that I could live with the decision. So why do I feel judged when I talk with my older child about why the younger one was adopted? – I know I did the right thing

Wes: Well, good for you. You faced a tough choice and a made a solid decision. Too often I see teens in similar circumstances make no decision – which is, of course, the wrong decision. I suspect the issue here is not how anyone else – including your first child – judges you, but how you judge yourself. Despite your sign-off, I’m not so sure that you’ve fully accepted your choice. In this you are not alone. I can’t recall meeting anyone in my office who made this decision without later wondering if they “did the right thing.” They tend to ask themselves a question that goes something like this: “If I could have made it with one, might I have made it with both?” This happens with young people who adopted out or terminated a first pregnancy and then chose to keep a second. I’ve even seen this happen when a young person is absolutely convinced that the adopted child is far better off. Some live under this shadow for the rest of their lives, at times obsessing over it so much that they become depressed and self-condemning. This puts their parenting at risk as they second-guess themselves and question their worth as a parent.

When working with young people facing this decision, I talk with them about regrets. In reality, any unplanned pregnancy has the potential to create regrets. This isn’t something anyone likes to talk about, because we never want to communicate to children that they are unwanted, nor even think that way ourselves. However, those secret regrets can find their way into the relationship between unplanned children and their parents for many years to come. Thus it’s important to get them out on the table with the parent without revealing this to the child. Unfortunately, choosing to terminate or adopt out an unplanned pregnancy does not automatically free a parent of regret – it simply changes what may be regretted. In such discussions I try to help people think about which regret they prefer to have. In your case you chose the potential regret of giving up a child to adoption. From what little you share, this seems to have worked out well for all involved.

In talking about this decision, explain that you wanted to be sure that both your children had the best home possible and you found adoption to be the only way to do that. Reassure your first child that she or he is at no risk of being given up, as this may be an unspoken fear. Most importantly, do not let yourself think about the situation as one of being judged. No one is in a position to judge anyone who faced this decision, least of all a child who is the intended beneficiary of that choice. Instead, remember that as your first child ages, she or he will become more able to understand and consider your decision from a mature perspective of moral reasoning, and ultimately come to accept it as you are now doing.

Marissa: The situation you are in is a difficult one for me to address. There is nothing in my life, or in the lives of the people that I know, to which I can relate it. I do agree with the decision you made. I think it was an amazing demonstration of maternal love. It is the most selfless decision anyone could ever make for a child who they weren’t prepared for. Even though it is significantly less devastating than abortion, it comes with its sorrows and feelings of loss.

I am not sure how old your first child is right now, but I think that she will not understand the situation for some time. As she gets older, I’m the sure the questions will start. In the meanwhile, the easiest way to explain it is to make sure that it is always a discussable subject and for you to be open about it. The fact that you gave your second child to another family does not mean that she was not wanted or loved; in fact, it is the exact opposite. It proves to what degree she was truly loved and wanted.

No one who had to make this decision could have done so without some guilt. I truly believe that what you did was in the best interest of everyone involved and you should really be proud of yourself for it. In the end, more positive results come from it than negative. Your second child gets the opportunity to grow up in a family that was prepared and more able to support her, and you and your first child have the chance to succeed in the life that you already have made. As it is with most things, I think time will provide perspective and healing.

Next week: Marissa Ballard’s final column offers her musings on high school and a farewell to the Journal-World.

– Dr. Wes Crenshaw is a board-certified family psychologist and director of the Family Therapy Institute Midwest. Marissa Ballard is a Lawrence High School senior. Opinions and advice given here are not meant as a substitute for psychological evaluation or therapy services. Send your questions about adolescent issues to doubletake@ljworld.com. All correspondence is strictly confidential.