Q: It’s obvious that our teenage son is rapidly becoming an adult. What guidelines can you offer to help us transfer power at the right time – neither early nor late?

A: There are some approaches that have been successful in lessening this conflict. The Amish people have developed a unique tradition that has succeeded for them. Strict discipline and harsh standards of behavior are imposed from infancy. When children turn 16 years of age, however, they enter a period called “Rumspringa.” Suddenly, all restrictions are lifted. They are free to drink, smoke, date, marry, or behave in ways that horrify their parents.

Some Amish children do just that. But most don’t. They are even granted the right to leave the community if they choose. But if they stay, it must be in accordance with the social order. The majority accept the heritage of their families, not because they must, but because they choose to.

Although I admire the Amish and many of their approaches to child-rearing, I believe the Rumspringa concept is implemented too quickly for children raised in a more open society. It works in the controlled environment of Amish country, but it would be disastrous for most of the rest of us. I’ve seen families grant “instant adulthood” to their adolescents, to their regret.

If it doesn’t work to transfer power suddenly to young people, how can they be established as full-fledged adults without creating a civil war in the process? I have recommended that parents begin granting tiny elements of independence literally in toddlerhood. When a child can tie his shoes, he should be permitted – yes, required – to do it. When she can choose her clothes, she should make her own selections within reason. When he can walk safely to school, he should be allowed to do so.

Each year, more responsibility and freedom (they are companions) must be given to the child so that the final release in early adulthood is merely a small, final release of authority. This is the theory, at least. Pulling it off is sometimes quite another matter.

In the final analysis, your own son or daughter will let you know when the time is right for independence. You must judge his or her maturity, wisdom and emotional readiness for full-fledged adulthood. Then you grant it – and pray diligently for the next 30 years.

– James Dobson is chairman of the board for Focus on the Family, a nonprofit organization dedicated to the preservation of the home.