Dear Dr. Wes and Marissa: I’ve been reading the columns on dating, bad boyfriends and sex. You keep saying that teens aren’t ready to have sex, but you know teens are having sex. Most people start having sex when they are still teenagers. So I’d like to know how you think someone of any age knows they are ready to have sex.

Marissa: The debate about sex and birth control is on fire right now, so it’s no wonder you might be confused about the subject considering how many viewpoints with which teens are presented.

I have had friends present this question in conversation before. What I have come to rest upon is the fact that there will never be one defining moment when a light bulb beams beside your head and you conclude, “I am ready for sex!” While some try to downplay the importance of the choice to become sexually active, it is more than a cliche to see it as monumental. Too many teens are jumping into sex without realizing the complications, responsibilities and emotions that come along with it. The issue deserves serious consideration and deliberation before making this huge decision.

As a female, choosing to have sex means that you are choosing to take the initiative to go to the doctor and get annual exams. If you are not OK with the idea of a pap smear, you are probably not ready for sex. If you have no idea what a pap smear is, then you are definitely not ready for sex. As for young men, you are taking on the responsibility of having and using protection. Do not be afraid to ask your doctor many questions. Though this discussion may be new to you, you will not be the first person with which your doctor has discussed sex.

A huge indicator of whether you are mature enough to handle a sexual relationship is whether you are able to communicate with your boyfriend or girlfriend about how you feel about sex. Being able to sit down and have a relaxed and honest conversation about all of the possibilities, responsibilities and expectations is essential to a healthy relationship. If you are not able to use the anatomically correct words for the required parts, you might reconsider the strength of the relationship and whether you are ready to take it to the next level.

No matter how many movies and stories depict a person’s first time as being beautiful and amazing, it will rarely be that way. The truth of the matter is that the first time you have sex will be awkward, scary and probably not what you imagined. You need to carefully consider whether you and your partner are ready to experience something life-changing and possibly extremely embarrassing – and in the end still be able to love each other and yourself.

Wes: Like Marissa, I’ve faced this question a few times myself – a couple hundred, I would guess. Frankly, I think it’s easier for adults to hope our kids just avoid sex altogether than to accept the likelihood that they won’t and give them good preparation for the decision. So I’ll spare you the lecture about the pitfalls of early sex, of which there are many. I’ll simply answer you honestly, just as you asked.

When I was a younger therapist, I followed much the same path as Marissa in answering this question. I still think that advice is excellent. However, the longer I’ve worked with teenagers, the more stories I’ve heard about disappointing sexual encounters and deep regrets from decisions that were not well-made. Some of those kids were 13, and some were 40. The best way I’ve found to help people avoid that sad outcome is to have a discussion about how they will see themselves down the road once they have chosen to have sex.

Adults beware: This is NOT a trick designed to get kids to think about the foolishness of this behavior. That would be as transparent as cellophane and not nearly as strong. It is a genuine discussion without judgment about whether sex is going to generate more regrets than joys. If a teen can tell me that his or her choice to have sex has a reasonable chance of ending in a wonderful, positive memory, then there isn’t much else to say (except for the above-cited safety lecture and some possible legal concerns).

To further the depth of the discussion, I ask the young person to consider what they would like to tell their son or daughter someday about their own decision to have sex (minus details). Can they say to their child, “I am really comfortable with the decisions I made about sex. I might do it differently now, but I look back at it as being a good choice at the time and something beautiful in my life.” Or would they have to say, “I don’t want you to make the same mistakes I made.” Think about it. This little exercise can put a lot of things in perspective at any age.

I even have a joke with one of my clients in which I name her future daughter (I choose really dumb names) and we discuss how she’s going to talk with her about all the things that she and her mother struggle with right now. Good for a laugh and a serious consideration of these issues. This discussion always involves how kids are going to deal with a first partner once that relationship is gone, and whether they will wish somewhere down the line that they had chosen another person, place or time to begin this important venture.

Marissa is right. This is a big decision. Unlike the “40-Year-Old Virgin,” I have not met too many people who waited too long to make it. I’ve met quite a few who jumped the gun. Quite honestly, with a little good advice and good sense, I’ve met a few who hit it right on the money – no regrets, lots of special memories and a good feeling about themselves and the experience. Shoot for that outcome, and settle for nothing less.

Next week: A self-proclaimed “good girl” complains that her parents are too strict and asks how she can get them to trust her.

– Dr. Wes Crenshaw is a board-certified family psychologist and director of the Family Therapy Institute Midwest. Marissa Ballard is a Lawrence High School senior. Opinions and advice given here are not meant as a substitute for psychological evaluation or therapy services. Send your questions about adolescent issues to doubletake@ljworld.com. All correspondence is strictly confidential.