Dear Dr. Wes and Marissa: My boyfriend is 18 and in trouble with the law. Six months ago he beat up a kid and was charged with aggravated battery. He is getting ready to do 30 days in jail and a year and a half of probation. He has changed a lot since then. He has gotten a job and is showing much improvement, but he also is dropping out of school and going to get his GED.

My parents know all of this, and I was told I am not allowed to see him for six months. By then I’ll be 18, so they will really have no choice of who I hang out with. Everyone tells me that he’s bad for me and I will ruin my reputation by being with him and he will screw up my life. I don’t agree, and I find it hard to see life without him. I’m not in love, but I can’t just get up and walk away from my relationship with him.

I’m tired of being told that I’m only 17 and I’ll understand someday when I have kids of my own. I feel like I’m old enough to be able to decide, and if this relationship is a mistake I will learn that on my own eventually. I don’t like lying to my parents, but I feel like that’s the only way I can see him.

Am I wrong for wanting to stay with him and trying to convince my parents of it, or are my parents wrong for trying to keep me from someone who screwed up in the past, but has changed? – 17-year-old girl

Wes: You’re both wrong. Sorry, but that is often how these things go. I’ll discuss how your parents have gone awry; Marissa will address your side of things.

I quoted a favorite teen of mine a couple of weeks ago who said to her parents in a heated argument, “Jack will be gone in a few months. You and I will be dealing with these issues for years to come.” And so it is in your case. Too many families get into these deal-breaking power struggles where no one can win.

Your “Jack” is probably going to be gone eventually. Sad for you, I’m sure, but true. Almost nobody ends up marrying the person they are with at 17. Those who do wait several years to marry or risk a high chance of divorce. We just aren’t the same people at 17 that we are at 25, and there is little likelihood that you will be together down the road. Unfortunately, if your parents keep up their current tack, neither will you. Your parents need to remember what I said last week: The point of parenting teens is INFLUENCE, and you cannot influence through force, especially when your kid is 17.

At this point, you are so wrapped up in being right about this guy that you can’t see the forest for the trees, so you hear “no” as a challenge rather than a piece of good advice. Mom and Dad seem to be missing that fact. They need to consider the more serious issues related to this matter. Are you using drugs, being beaten, having unprotected sex, drinking or considering following your guy’s academic path toward a minimum-wage job? If so, then they probably should intercede in those areas of your life.

Ironically, because your boyfriend is about to be urine-tested for the next couple of years, he might be a bit safer than the average guy when it comes to drugs, at least. Your parents need to focus on what you are doing rather than the bad influences they think are making it happen. You don’t sound like a very shy girl. I suspect the mistakes you have made were your own, and if the folks are not focusing on that, they are missing the point.

The clock is running out for parents to control your life. It’s time to switch to the position of sensible advisers so you might start listening to them. Nothing at this point is more important than forming a good relationship with you. I hope they’ll take this to heart and that you’ll give them that chance.

Marissa: While reading this question, I’m sure most parents flinched. The young man you describe sounds like a mother and father’s worst nightmare. Unfortunately, I have to say that their fears are probably correct.

I know that the allure of “bad boys” has been a previous and popular topic in this column, and I think you have a case of misguided affection. This guy sounds like a waste of time. I know that may sound harsh, but I have heard so many stories involving young men like the one you described, and it is my experience – and my friends’ experiences – that they don’t change.

I think you need to sit down and think long and hard about what you’re gaining from this relationship. Why do you want to be with someone who has a history of aggressive behavior? I know it can be considered stereotypical male behavior, but honestly, he’s not very mature if he resorts to physical fights.

You admit that you’re not in love with him, so why are you risking potential heartache and grief with your parents for this guy? Does he have anything that you will not be able to find with someone else, preferably someone who doesn’t have a criminal record and is responsible enough to stay in school? Another harsh truth is that only rarely does a GED get you far in life. As more and more people are going to college, even the lower-level degrees are losing their prestige.

If you’re not willing to end the relationship for good, then my last suggestion is to wait six months as your parents have asked. If you desire the relationship as much as you say you do, then you’ll still want it in six months when you won’t have to risk getting in trouble for it.

Next week: A teenage girl asks one of the most difficult questions of all. How do you know you are ready for sex?

– Wes Crenshaw is a board-certified family psychologist and director of the Family Therapy Institute Midwest. Marissa Ballard is a Lawrence High School senior. Opinions and advice given here are not meant as a substitute for psychological evaluation or therapy services. Send your questions about adolescent issues to doubletake@ljworld.com. All correspondence is strictly confidential.