Q: My family lives together under one roof and we share the same last name, but we don’t “feel” like a family. How can I begin to put a sense of togetherness into this harried household? How do you put meaningful activities into your family?

A: One way to accomplish that is by creating traditions in your home. By traditions, I’m referring to those recurring events and behaviors that are anticipated, especially by children, as times of closeness and fellowship between loved ones.

In our family, the centerpiece of our holiday traditions is food. Each year during Thanksgiving and Christmas, the women prepare marvelous turkey dinners with all the trimmings. Another great favorite at that time is a fruit dish called ambrosia, containing sectioned oranges and grapes. The family peels the grapes together the night before the big day. These holidays are wonderful experiences for all of us. There’s laughter and warm family interaction throughout the day. We look forward to that festive season, not just for the food, but for what happens between loved ones who come together on that occasion.

We also have designated foods on the other holidays throughout the year. On New Year’s Day, for reasons that I cannot explain, we enjoy a Southern meal of pinto beans cooked at least eight hours with large chunks of lean ham, served with corn bread and little onions. It’s so good! For many years, we invited 30 or more friends to our home on July Fourth and served them barbecued hamburgers and baked beans. This became a prelude to a fireworks display, and much fun and laughter.

There are many other traditions. Immediately prior to Thanksgiving dinner, everybody is given two kernels of Indian corn to symbolize the blessings they are most thankful for that year. A basket is passed, and every member drops in the corn while sharing their two richest blessings from God during that year. Our expressions of thankfulness inevitably involve people: children, grandparents and other loved ones. As the basket moves around the table, tears of appreciation and love are evident on many faces. It is one of the most beautiful moments of the year.

The great value of traditions is that they give a family a sense of identity and belonging. All of us desperately need to feel that we’re not just part of a busy cluster of people living together in a house, but we’re a living, breathing family that’s conscious of our uniqueness, our character and our heritage. That feeling is the only antidote for the loneliness and isolation that characterize so many homes today.

Q: If you were a counselor who was helping someone manage a crisis situation in a marriage, your recommendations to exercise tough love could potentially kill the marriage. Doesn’t that make you nervous? Have you ever regretted taking a family in this direction?

A: To answer that question, you need to understand how I see my situation. My role is similar to that of a surgeon who tells a patient that he needs a coronary artery bypass operation. The man sits in his doctor’s office, hearing the probabilities of success and failure. “If you undergo this operation,” the doctor says, “research shows you’ll have a 3 percent chance of not surviving the surgery.” Wow! Three out of every 100 people who submit to the knife will die on the table! Why would anyone run that risk voluntarily? Because the chances of death are far greater without the surgery.

The love must be tough; confrontations and ultimatums are like that. They may result in the sudden demise of a relationship. But, without the crisis, there is a much higher probability of a lingering death. Instead of bringing the matter to a head while there is a chance for healing, the alternative is to stand by while the marriage dies with a whimper. I’d rather take my chances today, before further damage is done. A blowout is better than a slow leak.