Dear Dr. Wes & Marissa: I have been hanging out with a guy for about two months now. We go on long walks, and we spend hours just talking and debating politics, philosophy, etc. I love hanging out with him, and it feels as if we have known each other all of our lives. The drawback is the fact that he has been dating a girl for the past three years, and she lives 50 miles away. We have talked about it, and he always complains about her and says that he has to make up his mind. The other night we got in an argument, and I said that he was leading me on and that we shouldn’t talk anymore. He said that he liked me and didn’t have the courage to tell his girlfriend. Today he gave me a CD that is a musical that we talked about a month ago that I said I loved, and now it is making me doubt my decision. I don’t know what to do anymore. I really like this guy, and I really see myself with him, but I cannot be treated like this and I know I can’t just continue to be his friend. What should I do?

– 18-year-old girl

Wes: Love is like shopping for a good pair of jeans. You generally get what you pay for in quality, style and substance. However, when you don’t make the right selection, jeans rarely hurt as much as love does. On this shopping spree, I think you are headed for a great deal of hurt.

We can tell right off the bat that this guy may have some quality problems because he is essentially cheating on his girlfriend with you. Perhaps you haven’t gone very far physically, but he is certainly being untrue to her by hanging out with you and sharing his complaints about her. For married couples, we call this an “emotional affair,” and it can often be more hurtful than the physical ones.

From your perspective, the most seductive aspect of the situation is that you believe you will be the one person he can truly love, that you will be good enough to turn his head and make him true to you. Just remember, that’s what the current girlfriend thought at some point, especially if the two of them have been dating for three years. It is also easy to see his girlfriend as a kind of enemy because she is standing between you and Mr. Right, and because he takes a victim role by bad-mouthing her and making you his special confidant.

Of course anyone may meet their perfect match while dating someone else. Your guy is pretty young to be making a three-year commitment to anyone, so I could understand if he wanted to break up with her to be with you. But that isn’t what he’s doing here. This is a classic example of a guy (in this case) wanting to have his cake and eat it, too. Your instincts were right not to stand for it. He needs to be in one relationship at a time. If he isn’t, then he is simply playing both of you. If he really is the one perfect guy for you, then he should come back and prove himself when he’s grown up a bit and made some decisions about how to treat you with integrity.

I see this situation a lot in practice. It’s also a recurrent plot on “Laguna Beach” and just about every other teen ethnography on TV today, and a lot of popular music. So you’re in the middle of a trend – and not a good one. As adults, we’ve begun to teach our teens how to cheat on their partners by example.

Bottom line, teenagers: If you don’t want to be exclusive with someone at age 16 or 18 – fine by me. But don’t play others to your own advantage.

Marissa: Perhaps more serious than finding a good pair of jeans, finding love is an especially difficult endeavor. First, the good news: You have plenty of time. Now the bad news: You still haven’t found it.

Though he sounds good in theory, there is one blazing red flag that should have you turning the other direction: the girlfriend. Let’s take a minute to examine the situation objectively.

Picture yourself with a friend who is in your situation. Here she is, becoming attached to this seemingly charming, wonderful young man who says that he likes and wants to be with her, but won’t end the relationship he has with a girl an hour away. Don’t you see yourself getting a bad vibe?

There are a few factors here that lead me to believe he is not going to end the relationship, the first being that his girlfriend is only 50 miles away. That’s not a long drive. Relationships have survived 10 times that distance. Secondly, the fact that he bad-mouths this girl to you might show a lack of respect for women. At the very least it’s tacky. That attitude will not change if he is with you.

I’m glad that you stood up for yourself, and I hope that you continue to do so. The CD was a peace offering, and it would be wise not to keep it. Leave this guy to figure out what he wants. You are not doing yourself any favors by giving him the chance to hurt you. He doesn’t deserve to have two girls at once, which is really what he is accomplishing by you allowing him to lead you on.

Sure, it is fun to discuss politics and philosophy with a nice piece of eye candy. But that’s all there is to this. Don’t read anything more into it. I suggest you start looking elsewhere. Find some eye candy that isn’t already purchased.

Next week: When teens don’t get into the family’s holiday spirit.

– Dr. Wes Crenshaw is a board-certified family psychologist and director of the Family Therapy Institute Midwest. Marissa Ballard is a Lawrence High School senior. Opinions and advice given here are not meant as a substitute for psychological evaluation or therapy services. Send your questions about adolescent issues to doubletake@ljworld.com. All correspondence is strictly confidential.