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Archive for Sunday, November 13, 2005

Life’s absolute truths hold water

November 13, 2005

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I have lived long enough to know that life offers some absolute truths, among them:

¢ Giving away your maternity clothes is a surefire way to get pregnant.

¢ The higher the cost of a gallon of gas, the lower the mileage you get from it.

¢ If a deer crosses the road in front of you, look out for the one following him.

¢ Politicians and passenger balloons hold roughly the same quantity of hot air.

¢ For women only: When you find exactly the right lipstick color or a bra that fits perfectly, the manufacturer will stop making it.

¢ For men only: God gave you prostates to make up for giving women menopause.

¢ For both: The bigger the rear end, the tighter the pants.

¢ Washing your car really does make it rain.

¢ What goes around comes around (be nice to the elderly because, one day, that old person will be you).

¢ A mother's job is to embarrass her children (a job at which I proudly excel).

¢ When you have enough money to buy the cute clothes you couldn't afford as a teenager, you no longer look cute wearing them.

¢ You know your husband is a keeper when he compliments you on serving a meal of hot dogs, potato chips and pork 'n' beans.

¢ A woman needs a pair of red shoes just for the fun of it.

¢ And, at least once in his life, a man requires a pickup truck for the same reason.

¢ Never discuss politics with your dentist when she/he is holding a drill.

¢ When you can no longer find your computer keyboard, it is time to clean your desk.

¢ Know-it-alls usually don't.

¢ Beware of the law enforcement officer who stops you for speeding and greets you by saying, "This is my first day on the job."

¢ Some people who act like friends are not.

¢ Setting the clock in your car 10 minutes ahead doesn't make you early for meetings because you automatically subtract 10 minutes whenever you look at the clock.

¢ Secretaries keep the world running.

¢ A messy house attracts unexpected visitors.

¢ Three-fourths of blondes aren't.

¢ It is not an equal playing field when you have to take off your clothes but your doctor doesn't.

¢ No matter what time you plan dinner, you cannot fool the telemarketer.

¢ It is impossible to eat any farm animal you have named.

¢ You can never be rich enough or thin enough (but you'll have a great life anyway).

¢ Your mother will stand up for you even when she knows you are wrong.

¢ Your father serves as a good role model when you choose a husband.

¢ You CAN go home again (it just won't be the same).

¢ The person taking 15 items through an express checkout allowing eight items cannot count.

¢ A logo that costs $20,000 is as good as one that costs $88,900.

¢ A bicyclist will sometimes stop at a stop sign.

¢ A cat can occasionally (albeit rarely) be man's best friend.

¢ A dog will roll in anything that smells bad and then expect you to shake hands with him.

¢ The funny noise you hear in your car engine isn't really there until the mechanic hears it.

¢ You do not have to own beautifully colored maple trees in order to enjoy them.

¢ A true friend will like you even when you are not being very likable.

¢ Able persons who park in handicapped parking spaces are indeed handicapped (they can't read).

¢ "This is going to hurt me more than you" is highly improbable.

¢ You're never too old to make a snow angel.

¢ My husband Ray will never achieve his desire to "buy someone for what they are worth and sell them for what THEY think they're worth."

¢ Unless you can fly a 767, you have to trust the pilot (but you can help hold up the plane by keeping a firm grip on the armrests).

¢ You've officially grown up when you recognize that you learned the most from your toughest teachers.

¢ You really CAN'T eat just one.

¢ And the No. 1 absolute truth is: Sunrises, sunsets and rainbows are FREE. Be grateful.

t.

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