I have lived long enough to know that life offers some absolute truths, among them:
¢ Giving away your maternity clothes is a surefire way to get pregnant.
¢ The higher the cost of a gallon of gas, the lower the mileage you get from it.
¢ If a deer crosses the road in front of you, look out for the one following him.
¢ Politicians and passenger balloons hold roughly the same quantity of hot air.
¢ For women only: When you find exactly the right lipstick color or a bra that fits perfectly, the manufacturer will stop making it.
¢ For men only: God gave you prostates to make up for giving women menopause.
¢ For both: The bigger the rear end, the tighter the pants.
¢ Washing your car really does make it rain.
¢ What goes around comes around (be nice to the elderly because, one day, that old person will be you).
¢ A mother's job is to embarrass her children (a job at which I proudly excel).
¢ When you have enough money to buy the cute clothes you couldn't afford as a teenager, you no longer look cute wearing them.
¢ You know your husband is a keeper when he compliments you on serving a meal of hot dogs, potato chips and pork 'n' beans.
¢ A woman needs a pair of red shoes just for the fun of it.
¢ And, at least once in his life, a man requires a pickup truck for the same reason.
¢ Never discuss politics with your dentist when she/he is holding a drill.
¢ When you can no longer find your computer keyboard, it is time to clean your desk.
¢ Know-it-alls usually don't.
¢ Beware of the law enforcement officer who stops you for speeding and greets you by saying, "This is my first day on the job."
¢ Some people who act like friends are not.
¢ Setting the clock in your car 10 minutes ahead doesn't make you early for meetings because you automatically subtract 10 minutes whenever you look at the clock.
¢ Secretaries keep the world running.
¢ A messy house attracts unexpected visitors.
¢ Three-fourths of blondes aren't.
¢ It is not an equal playing field when you have to take off your clothes but your doctor doesn't.
¢ No matter what time you plan dinner, you cannot fool the telemarketer.
¢ It is impossible to eat any farm animal you have named.
¢ You can never be rich enough or thin enough (but you'll have a great life anyway).
¢ Your mother will stand up for you even when she knows you are wrong.
¢ Your father serves as a good role model when you choose a husband.
¢ You CAN go home again (it just won't be the same).
¢ The person taking 15 items through an express checkout allowing eight items cannot count.
¢ A logo that costs $20,000 is as good as one that costs $88,900.
¢ A bicyclist will sometimes stop at a stop sign.
¢ A cat can occasionally (albeit rarely) be man's best friend.
¢ A dog will roll in anything that smells bad and then expect you to shake hands with him.
¢ The funny noise you hear in your car engine isn't really there until the mechanic hears it.
¢ You do not have to own beautifully colored maple trees in order to enjoy them.
¢ A true friend will like you even when you are not being very likable.
¢ Able persons who park in handicapped parking spaces are indeed handicapped (they can't read).
¢ "This is going to hurt me more than you" is highly improbable.
¢ You're never too old to make a snow angel.
¢ My husband Ray will never achieve his desire to "buy someone for what they are worth and sell them for what THEY think they're worth."
¢ Unless you can fly a 767, you have to trust the pilot (but you can help hold up the plane by keeping a firm grip on the armrests).
¢ You've officially grown up when you recognize that you learned the most from your toughest teachers.
¢ You really CAN'T eat just one.
¢ And the No. 1 absolute truth is: Sunrises, sunsets and rainbows are FREE. Be grateful.