Dear Dr. Wes and Jenny: I have a really bad anger problem. My anger reaches a point where it could easily get me into trouble. I know I need to get it under control now before it does. What are some ways that I could control my anger? Counting to 100 is hard to do. I tried to do that.

— 15-year-old girl

Wes: We used to think it was best to just “let it all hang out.” However, research shows that cutting loose with anger actually increases the problem — and it makes people hate you. Two things cause anger: what happens inside you and what happens around you.

Some people are wired to be angry or anxious. Others are very laid-back by nature. The first thing to do is figure out how you fit into these descriptions and choose one of three ways to deal with your anger: express it, suppress it or calm yourself. The healthiest way to express anger at real problems or people in your life is to take an assertive (not aggressive) stance by making your needs clear to others in a mature way. Being assertive is admittedly harder for teens because you’re naturally more emotional at this age. You also are less in control of your own life, so being assertive with adults or even your peers may not always get you everything you want. Moreover, some parents and teachers don’t like assertive teenagers. However, this is still a good place to start.

If the problem is more your temper than the world around you, you can learn to redirect yourself by changing your focus onto something positive or a more constructive behavior. The downside here is that “stuffing” anger can turn it inward. As we’ve discussed before, this is a root of many problems: depression, cutting, suicide and so on. So only use this technique as a method of temper management — not a substitute for assertiveness. A better option is to learn to calm yourself by controlling your internal responses and lowering your heart rate and anxiety until the feelings subside. While this is the core of the old “count to 10” (or 100) adage, it’s better to use the following relaxation tips. If you have other hotheads in your life, get everyone to join in (parents, too).

Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm. Picture your breath coming up from your gut. I know it will look weird, but shallow breath doesn’t relax you.

Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as “calm down,” “take it easy.” Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply.

Visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination.

Do some low-strain exercises to relax your muscles and make you feel calmer. Enrolling in a yoga class is a great way to learn these.

Figure out which of your thoughts, demands or wishes are not very sensible or helpful and replace them more rational ones. For example, instead of telling yourself, “Oh, this is the most horrible thing any boyfriend has ever done to a girl!” tell yourself “what he did was frustrating, and it’s understandable that I’m upset about it, but it’s not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow.” Later, you can assert yourself with the boyfriend in a productive way when you are not furious.

Use humor. Things are usually a lot funnier than they appear at first. Humor is the archenemy of anger. Find something to laugh about in your situation.

Finally, remember that A LOT of anger in teens and adults is the result of anxiety — just simply caring too much about something. Logic defeats anxiety, and with it anger.

Jenny: When dealing with anger, it isn’t best to let feelings build up until someone says something and you snap. If you are feeling upset, before you say or do anything, STOP, take a deep breath and use one of the relaxation ideas that Wes stated above. Then, calmly explain what you are feeling instead of suppressing it. Also remember that your friends are your FRIENDS, not people to randomly yell at for no apparent reason. I was reminded of that lesson myself this week. If you tend to get upset at your parents or sometimes feel angry around them, have a code word — something that signals to both you and your parent(s) that you need to take a break and go cool off before you say or do something you are going to regret. Here are a few rules I would add to what Wes said for asserting yourself:

• Never throw any low blows
• Never bring up past events that don’t relate to what you are discussing just to get at the other person. What you are mad about is what just happened, not what happened before.
• If there is something that has been bugging you, then you need to talk about it to the person who upset you rather than put it off.
• When confronting others, don’t accuse them of things.

Also, when I am angry, the best outlet is running or walking. I try to get away from what is upsetting me until I am in a rational mindset. I try to sort out what made me angry and how to avoid that boiling point by either talking out the problem or finding a different solution, one that isn’t harmful. Realize that when someone is angry they usually aren’t thinking the way they would if they weren’t angry. So, relax, take a bubble bath, go to a friend’s house, run, walk or write in a diary. Do something that will defuse your anger and get you into a more rational thinking mode.