Dear Dr. Wes and Jenny: How come I always date the wrong guy?

— 15-year-old girl

Wes: This note from our Double Take question box at my office is a wonderfully simple statement of a problem I see more than any other in teenage girls, as well as some guys. I wish the answer were also eight words long and easily followed. There are as many theories of why kids get into bad relationships as there are kids. Worse, patterns established in adolescence can extend into adulthood, where they may lead to bad marriages. You’re wise to be thinking about this now.

First of all, you can bet that you will be treated exactly as you allow yourself to be. It is really hard to know up-front if a relationship is going to be good or bad, so there is a certain period of testing that must go on before you commit. At the point you realize things are going badly, it is best to set limits. If they are not followed, move on. This is especially true if your partner has problems with anger, substance abuse, control or cheating. While conflict resolution is also part of dating, the more you try and bandage serious problems, the more you will have. Second, many kids love to play junior social worker, trying to help wayward love interests grow up and change into good citizens. This is not a good way to find a date.

Third, you need to set priorities for what you want in a relationship and stick to them. Most kids and a lot of adults don’t. I often ask what people like about their new dating partner, and without fail I hear two of the worst answers: He’s cute, and he’s nice. It is fine to date someone attractive, and everyone you date should be nice. But this is like putting gas in the car: It has to happen before you go anywhere, but it doesn’t tell you where you’ll end up. Jenny suggests several ways to do this, and there are some good books on this topic (Warren Neil’s “Date or Soul Mate” for instance). While they are more for adults looking for marriage, the concepts are still good at any age.

And finally, remember that you will NEVER find the perfect guy. The goal is to find the guy you are perfect with.

Jenny: I have asked myself that same question many times and have come to realize you just have to get on with your life. Eventually something good will happen.

You will be a lot happier if you don’t worry about finding a guy. You are 15 years old. Keep this in mind when you are thinking you always meet the wrong guys. It is OK not to find the right guy when you are 15 — you are supposed to gain experience from dating a lot of other people. From these people, who may just be the wrong guys, you learn what you like and don’t like in a relationship. You find out what you can and can’t handle in a relationship, which better equips you for future dating and eventually finding “the one.”

Each trial that you undertake in a relationship teaches you a lesson about how to deal with problems in other relationships in the future. Those bad guys actually help you find the good ones. Relax and let the guy come to you. It may seem hard, but when you forget about trying to find the right guy, you might be surprised what will happen. If you still want fast answers, write a list of the qualities you want in a guy, the qualities you can live with and the things you can’t live with. Find out what you want to get out of a relationship. And always be sure what you want isn’t just to have a guy around.

Remember, you have to be happy with yourself first. If you are unhappy OUT of a relationship, you will be unhappy IN one. Good luck, and remember every guy might not be the right guy for you. But with every relationship you learn something new that will help you when you do meet him.