Q: My children love to do things for themselves, but they make such messes that it’s easier for me to do the things for them. I just don’t have the patience to see them fumble with stuff. Do you think I’m wrong to step in?

A: I think you are wrong, even though I understand how you feel. I heard a story about a mother who was sick in bed with the flu. Her darling daughter wanted so much to be a good nurse. She fluffed the pillows and brought a magazine to read. And then she even showed up with a surprise cup of tea.

“Why, you’re such a sweetheart,” the mother said as she drank the tea. “I didn’t know you even knew how to make tea.”

“Oh, yes,” the little girl replied. “I learned by watching you. I put the tea leaves in the pan, and then I put in the water and boiled it. Then I strained it into a cup. But I couldn’t find a strainer, so I used the flyswatter instead.”

“You what?” the mother screamed.

The little girl said, “Oh, don’t worry, Mom, I didn’t use the new flyswatter. I used the old one.”

Well, when kids try their hardest and they get it all wrong in spite of themselves, what’s a parent to do? What mothers and fathers often do is prevent their children from carrying any responsibility that could result in a mess or a mistake. It’s just easier to do everything for them than to clean up afterward. But I urge parents not to fall into that trap.

Your child needs her mistakes. That’s how she learns. So go along with the game every now and then — even if the tea you drink tastes a little strange.

Q: Isn’t it our goal to produce children with self-discipline and self-reliance? If so, how does your approach to external discipline imposed by parents get translated into internal control?

A: There are many authorities who suggest that parents take a passive approach to their children for the reason implied by your question: They want their kids to discipline themselves. But since young people lack the maturity to generate that self-control, they stumble through childhood without experiencing either internal or external discipline.

Thus, they enter adult life having never completed an unpleasant assignment, or accepted an order that they disliked, or yielded to the leadership of their elders. Can we expect such a person to exercise self-discipline in young adulthood? I think not. That individual doesn’t even know the meaning of the words.

My belief is that parents should introduce their children to discipline and self-control by any reasonable means available, including the use of external influences when they are young. By being required to behave responsibly, children gain valuable experience in controlling their own impulses and resources. Then as they grow into the teen years, responsibility is transferred year by year from the shoulders of the parents directly to the children. They no longer are required to do what they have learned during earlier years, in the hope that they will want to function on their own initiative.

To illustrate, a boy should be required to keep his room relatively neat when he is young. Then somewhere during the mid-teens, his own self-discipline should take over and provide the motivation to continue the task. If it does not, the parent should close the door and let him live in a dump, if that is his choice.

In short, self-discipline does not come automatically to those who have never experienced it. Self-control must be learned, and it must be taught.

James Dobson is chairman of the board for Focus on the Family, a nonprofit organization dedicated to the preservation of the home.