Dear Dr. Wes & Jenny: My parents came across a note from a friend of mine. Mentioned in it was the fact that we smoke pot on a regular basis. They haven’t said anything to me about it, but I know that they found it because they talked to my older brother. Should I bring it up? Or just wait for them to say something?

— 14-year-old girl

Wes: I think open communication between kids and their parents is paramount to surviving adolescence — for everyone. In fact, I would have recommended they talk with you about it directly, and perhaps they are getting themselves up for that task right now. This is really their job, and all the research tells us that if parents step up in these situations, kids may not quit using altogether, but they will have a lower likelihood of addiction in the long run.

Admittedly, there is plenty of debate about the wisdom of pot smoking, so I will not try to address the reams of information on that issue here. However, I can say that your parents are well within their rights to object. As a teenager, your job is to struggle with various problems and questionable behavior. As parents, their job is to enforce their view of what is in your best interest — strenuously, if they have to. It’s what their parents did for them (I hope), and it is what you will do for your kids down the road — even if you can’t imagine that now.

Unfortunately, I saw an Associated Press article recently that indicates parents are getting more and more lenient on drug-related issues across the country, and I have generally not found that to be a very good thing. It is not the job of parents to say, “Well, we did it, too, so we can’t be too hard on the kids.” Each of you has to do your job for adolescence to come out right.

That said, I would not expect you to bring it up to them, unless you want to greatly enhance their view of you as a maturing but imperfect young person who does not shirk the tough issues. If that is your goal, then ask them for a sit-down and give it a shot.

Jenny: Wes and I differ a little on this question. I agree that parents and teenagers should be more open, but in this situation you should be more open only if they first open the door to a discussion. Your older brother could have just been making up the fact that they saw the note, and you may not want to jump the gun on admitting that you smoke pot to your parents. On the other hand, your parents may be less harsh in their punishments if you just come out and tell them what’s going on. It’s kind of a catch-22.

If I were you, I would sit down with your parents individually and tell them that you have been feeling a little pressure now that you are entering high school to do more things, such as drugs, and see where that conversation leads. If it leads to the note, then you’d better be ready with some answers, but at least you’ll know it’s out in the open.