Dear Wes and Jenny: Why are nice girls so attracted to bad boys?

Wes: You didn’t sign off on your question, so I don’t know if you are a guy or girl. I think the implications are different for each. If you are the “nice girl” or her mom, you may be lamenting previous dating choices, as was a reader a couple of weeks ago. If you are a “nice guy,” you may be complaining that you don’t get an even break in the dating world. So I’ll discuss this from a guy’s perspective, and Jenny will share the girl’s.

I work with a lot of teenage girls and young women, and have for 13 years. In fact it’s the majority of my caseload. I’m just beginning work on two books about teenage girls – one for parents and one for girls. I’ve raised one girl to adulthood, and another is on her way. Yet even I remain puzzled by this question. It just seems so contrary that a nice and respectable girl would find her way to the “bad boys” instead of all those guys who have committed themselves to a journey toward sainthood.

Facing such profound confusion, I checked with my panel of teenage girl experts, all of whom told me that I was making the issue way too complicated. Simply put, dating nice boys is too much like dating your brother, they said. Bad boys are just a lot more exciting. As one young woman put it, “Bad boys equal adrenaline rush.”

Others noted that nice girls tend to have less than exciting lives because, “If we’re being honest, being a nice girl means that you follow all of the rules. ‘Bad’ boys are more inclined to act in ways that are unfamiliar and, therefore exciting, to nice girls. They stretch our limits and introduce us to new things.”

That’s enough to scare most parents of nice girls for sure, but it seems to strike the right chord with their daughters.

So nice guys, what should you do? First, I suggest that you not go “bad” just to snare all those nice girls. Nowhere is a poser more obvious than when nice boys decide to run with the wolves. More importantly, bad boys are only winners until they get older and girls have to make real choices about who they want to spend time with. By then, girls have learned that bad boys are a lot like the Mamba roller coaster at Worlds of Fun: It’s nice to visit, but you wouldn’t want to live there.

Then the score starts to even up. In the meantime, it’s much easier to learn to be charming and a little mysterious, and in the long run it will work a lot better. To do this, I suggest that nice boys take advantage of the fact that nice girls love to have them as friends. Although this may seem endlessly annoying, friendly girls are always a source of good advice on how you market yourself. Just make sure they don’t spare your feelings. You can learn a lot from them.

Jenny: I, too, have wondered about this many times. I agree that it’s the adventure, the unpredictability – breaking the rules and not caring – that attracts nice girls to bad boys. It’s being with someone who has completely opposite ideals and morals than you.

Sometimes nice guys become predictable and a little boring. Also, nice girls may not want to be with someone exactly like themselves; they want adventure, and they long for something new and exciting. With a bad boy, you never know what is going to happen, and there won’t be that many points in those relationships when a girl will feel bored.

Some girls want to get out of their shells and are attracted to those who would make them do things that they wouldn’t normally do. After being treated like a princess for so long and being perfect, there is a part of these girls that longs for someone who will see them in a different light. It is a yearning to ignore the rules, to do things that your parents always warned you not to do.

If you find someone who doesn’t care, there is a part of you that wants to be like that. My advice to nice girls is to realize that in every guy there can be a bad boy side, so don’t just let someone go because they seem too nice. You may be surprised by what could happen. Just realize that “bad boys” can be dangerous. You may be attracted to them, but be careful because some guys will get you into more trouble than they’re worth.

Next week: The pros and cons of teenagers who sit around the house all summer.