Dear Wes & Jenny: My daughter suddenly decided she doesn’t want to go to college this fall. We’re OK with that. She has a decent job that she likes, and she just wants to take a year off. However, she also wants to live at home and keep things just like they have been, which means we pay the bills and she gets to spend her money as she wishes. We’re not sure what to do about this. She’ll be 19 soon, and she’s our oldest child.

Wes: I heard in a recent National Public Radio story that 63 percent of young adults who graduated college in 2005 moved home. While some were underemployed, many did so with new jobs and were attempting to get established. That’s great, but it raises a whole series of issues, which parallel the ones you are facing with your high school grad. Only one of those issues is money. As Jenny notes below, the others have to do with autonomy – or the extent to which the young adult can rule her life and yours in what has now become your home.

As with any independent living lesson, the goal here should be to acclimate the young person to the world outside the home before they actually have to live there. So you are correct that you can’t just go on with your daughter like graduation never happened. It is one thing to support a struggling student while she is in college; it is another to support her while she’s knocking back a good wage.

Your daughter has chosen to forego college in favor of work, and thus she should be expected to function more like an adult than a child. That includes finances. Sit down and have a very clear discussion about this issue, preferably in a spirit of negotiation. If she does not see anything to negotiate, then you can simply dictate the rules.

It is absolutely imperative that you charge some form of rent and utility expense, even if it is just $150 a month. It’s an obligation she must meet in the real world, and you can get her accustomed to it while living at home. Food is another matter. If your daughter is going to eat at home, she should get her own groceries – not to exclude her from the family, but to get her focused on the concept of going to the supermarket and paying for food. If she has a car and isn’t paying the loan or insurance, that also needs to change. And to be clear: This is never a punishment for not going to college; it is just part of what we do as adults out in the “real world.”

Some families take their “rent” money and put it in a savings account so the young person has money for a security deposit and first month’s rent down the road. I think this is a great idea, if the money can be spared from household expenses. The point should not be to make a profit on your kids but to help them achieve independence.

All those yearnings for freedom kids feel in their teen years usually lead to a shocking discovery at 18 or 19: Young adults have earned the same freedom we all share – to get up every day, go to work at least 40 hours a week and pay a lot of bills. Not as exciting as it sounded at 16! But this the path to adulthood, which really only pays off down the road. College is a great buffer in that process. It allows kids to be kids for a few more years and gives them a chance to grow up. Living at home also can offer that transition – but not if it simply becomes an extension of adolescence.

Jenny: Since your daughter is the oldest, it is best to set a precedent for the younger kids now. The best thing you and your daughter can do to have a good working relationship from the beginning is to sit down together and make a list of things that she will do as a tenant: helping with the overall effectiveness of the household, maintaining upkeep of her room, cleaning up after herself, doing her own laundry, etc. These rules should be treated as a contract between you and your daughter.

However, your daughter is an adult and should be treated as one. The relationship has changed to include a business relationship instead of the normal parenting relationship. So you shouldn’t try to enforce rules that you once forced upon her as a child.

She may want to stay up late at night, or she may want to have friends over to hang out like she would if she had her own apartment. As long as the rules don’t state otherwise, or it does not upset the function of the household, these things should be permitted. Sometimes she could be asked to help with family errands, but she still needs to be seen as an independent adult now. Think back to your first dorm room or apartment and all the rules that you had to abide by. Brainstorm the problems you had and think of ways to cope with similar troubles you might encounter while your daughter is still living in your house. That should help in the beginning so that when problems do arise, they will be easier to handle. This will be a learning experience for both of you.

Even though she will always be your daughter and you will always be her mother, at this point in her life, you are no longer just her parent and she is not just your child. The relationship has changed.

Next week: A teenage “Girl in Love” takes issue with Wes and Jenny’s column on “bad boys” and “nice girls.”