I'd like to talk to all of you about a cause near and dear to my heart. We may always live with war, poverty, disease and reruns of "Three's Company," but I truly believe that if we all work together we can eradicate Paris Hilton in our lifetime.
A parasitic entity that requires a rarified diet of pure attention, Paris Hilton (Latin name: publicitas horriblus, or heiress vulgaris) can only be contained by depriving it of its nourishment. The Hilton creature requires publicity in the same way that we need oxygen.
In short, if we ignore this insidious infestation, it will go away.
Join me, and millions of your fellow Americans, in not watching Hilton (and fellow guest Bill Burr) on tonight's "Late Show with David Letterman" (10:35 p.m., CBS). Better yet, watch Jay Leno instead, even if, like me, you're not that fond of what he's done to "The Tonight Show." If Dave's ratings tank, perhaps other Paris purveyors will get the hint.
Think of the children, and the promise of growing up in world where Paris Hilton is but a painful distant memory, like polio or "Yes, Dear." If we all work together, we can make a better tomorrow.
- Friday nights belong to sci-fi/fantasy fans. Unfortunately for the UPN, those fans are not flocking to "Star Trek: Enterprise" (7 p.m., UPN). The network announced late last week that the final episode of "Enterprise" would air on May 13, after nearly 100 episodes. When "Enterprise" goes dark, "Star Trek" will leave the network and/or syndicated TV universe for the first time since 1987, when "Star Trek: The Next Generation" returned the franchise to the airwaves.
While the "Trek" faithful are hanging crepe, fans of "Stargate SG-1" (7 p.m., Sci Fi), "Stargate Atlantis" (8 p.m., Sci Fi) and "Battlestar Galactica" (9 p.m., Sci Fi) have made Sci Fi the most-watched cable network on Friday nights.
Three-time Emmy winner Beau Bridges will join the cast of "SG-1" as Gen. Hank Landry, the new head of Stargate Command, and Oscar-winning actor Lou Gossett Jr. will appear on "SG-1" in a recurring role as a Jaffa leader.
Over on "Atlantis," Mitch Pileggi ("The X-Files") will appear from time to time as a by-the-book colonel in frequent conflict with Dr. Weir (Torri Higginson) and Maj. Sheppard (Joe Flanigan).
- "Untold: Isiah Thomas" (8 p.m., Spike) profiles the basketball star from his days as a high school prodigy to his current tenure as embattled coach of the New York Knicks. "Untold" focuses on Thomas' upbringing in a troubled Chicago neighborhood. The youngest of nine children, he would see his siblings succumb to the temptations of drugs and street crime. His older brother, a former pimp, recalls how the family pinned their hopes on Isiah's promise.
"Untold" features a loud, jarring and cliche-ridden narration by Marv Albert that hearkens back to the best and worst of NFL highlight films. My wife walked into the room while I was screening "Untold" and asked me, "Is this a joke?" She thought I was watching an "SCTV" parody of a sports documentary. That's not a good sign.
Tonight's other highlights
- Divinely inspired homework makes Joan ponder romance on "Joan of Arcadia" (7 p.m., CBS).
- On back-to-back episodes of "Bernie Mac" (Fox), Vanessa's older man (7 p.m.), Wesley Snipes guest stars (7:30 p.m.).
- The gang gets mushy to investigate a series of mysterious disappearances on Lover's Lane in the animated special "A Scooby-Doo Valentine" (7:30 p.m., WB).
- Cruz concentrates on the murderer of a key witness on "Third Watch" (8 p.m., NBC).
- An engineer's apparent suicide may add up to murder on "Numb3rs" (9 p.m., CBS).
- An epidemic of miscarriages on "Medical Investigation" (9 p.m., NBC).
- Scheduled on "20/20" (9 p.m., ABC): Corey Feldman discusses his relationship with Michael Jackson.
On back-to-back episodes of "8 Simple Rules" (ABC), Pamela Anderson (7 p.m.), chauffer duty (7:30 p.m.) ... Archer plays peacemaker on "Star Trek: Enterprise" (7 p.m., UPN) ... An acrimonious Valentine's Day on "What I Like About You" (7 p.m., WB).
A rapper's life unravels on "Jonny Zero" (8 p.m., Fox) ... A mother-daughter fashion show on "Hope & Faith" (8 p.m., ABC) ... Missy Elliott hosts "The Road to Stardom" (8 p.m., UPN).
Cupid's arrow thwarted on "Less Than Perfect" (8:30 p.m., ABC) ... Panic and fear on "Blue Collar TV" (8:30 p.m., WB).
Jay Leno hosts Ani DiFranco on "The Tonight Show" (10:35 p.m., NBC) ... Avril Lavigne appears on "Jimmy Kimmel Live" (11:05 p.m., ABC).
Seth Green and Josh Duhamel chat on "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" (11:35 p.m., NBC) ... Craig Ferguson hosts Peter Boyle, Tori Spelling and Steve Earle on "The Late, Late Show" (11:37 p.m., CBS).