Dear Dr. Wes and Marissa: It’s true that our kids have more things available to them than we did, but why do they feel so entitled to have them all? And how does a parent deal with this?

Dr. Wes: I promise I didn’t seed this question just in time for the after-Christmas super sales. It came during the holiday season, and we only had time to respond now. If you hadn’t noticed this week, the answer to your question is “marketing.”

As a society we’ve found a way to extend Christmas spending (and over-spending) from the Friday after Thanksgiving until New Year’s Eve – and none of this is lost on our kids. It’s also not lost on big corporations who spend incredible amounts of their advertising budgets appealing to teenagers throughout the year to encourage them to spend freely. In fact, advertisers now have saturated the teen market and are putting their full force behind “tweenies,” kids ages 9 to 12.

The great guru of this movement is, of course, Disney, who has radio, TV, movie and merchandise, not to mention the big theme parks. I think we’re all aware of recent stars that got their start with The Mouse. This media blitz, which now runs 24/7 on the many kid channels, does not simply offer the option to purchase many interesting things, it strongly implies that one must have these things to be a real kid. Only last night, my 2-year-old was watching something over the shoulder of his older sister and asked me quite clearly, “Daddy, could you buy me that toy?” So in just 26 months of living, my son has become a consumer.

Many complain that children are being controlled by all of these influences as though they were puppets on an electronic string. However, I believe that as parents one of our duties is to teach sensible consumption, regardless of media and marketing. That means spending money wisely and giving purchasing decisions solid thought. So here are some guidelines:

¢ Provide a good example. As with every other lifestyle choice, parents will have a hard time teaching sensible consumption if they don’t practice it themselves. If you max out the credit cards, your kids will have no concept of limiting their own spending. If you buy foolishly, they will see no reason to apply good sense to their purchases.

¢ Teach children about money from age 2. I recall telling my then-6-year-old daughter that we did not have money for something she wanted to buy. She suggested we just get more from the cash machine. This is the “teachable moment.” Parents need to explain where that cash comes from so kids don’t grow to see ATMs as magical money machines.

¢ Discuss purchases. If kids want an iPod, discuss what they may have to give up in order to buy one. They may have to cut down on video games or limit cell phone calls. Take note of the significant software investment. Price shop. One even can do some budgeting with teens around big purchases, although it’s hard to get many of them to sit down and follow through.

¢ Set up a system of cash flow that is clear. The very worst mistake parents make in this situation is to chase their children’s wishes with cash. Just say “no.” While teens may not be good at budgeting, they can’t spend what they don’t have. Set their pay for chores or allowance to a certain level, offer them some ways to enhance it, and then do not, under any circumstances, give them money when they run out. No one is going to plan wise spending unless they have to – you and me included.

There are many other ways to teach kids the fine art of spending. It’s clear from the huge debt load carried in (and by) our nation that we haven’t done a very good job of it in the past. Let’s resolve in 2006 to help our teens avoid the same problems. If you don’t teach sensible consumption, no one else will. I can assure you The House of Mouse won’t.

Marissa: I think that children’s attitudes toward money can be established by the time they hit elementary school. Though it won’t be completely accurate, the value of a dollar can begin to be instilled in your children from the get-go.

Members of a small percentage of society have no problem spending as much as they wish, whenever they wish. Somehow this portion has become the model of what the average American should have. Though commercials play a huge role in deciding what we want, television shows have an even greater influence.

Many of the main characters on popular sitcoms drive fancy cars and wear designer clothes, and because they are cool on the show, we are led to believe that we cannot possibly be cool unless we, too, have those things.

When dealing with children who seem to “need” everything, a good technique to use is to ask a few questions before making purchases.

¢ Do you really want it? This might seem obvious. Of course they want it. But really, in two weeks are you still going to want it? For that matter, in two hours will you still want it?

¢ Is it worth it? Make them make a decision. If the item is more expensive than others, you can make observations like, “If you get something less expensive you could get two.” It’s never too early to instill a policy of thriftiness and bargain hunting.

¢ If they are still sure they want the item, ask them to wait a week and see if they still want it. I still do this sometimes, and it has saved me from making some unintelligent decisions.

As Wes said, it is important for children to understand that the flow of cash is not unlimited and that one must work to earn that money. After your child has a job of her own, she will be more likely to understand this concept.

If all else fails, simply saying “no” works pretty well, too. Eventually your kids will have to get over it and, more than likely, in a few weeks they won’t even remember they wanted it in the first place.

Next week: Marissa and Wes discuss five resolutions they’d like teens and parents to keep in 2006 as part of the Journal-World’s New Year/New Start series.

– Dr. Wes Crenshaw is a board-certified family psychologist and director of the Family Therapy Institute Midwest. Marissa Ballard is a Lawrence High School senior. Opinions and advice given here are not meant as a substitute for psychological evaluation or therapy services. Send your questions about adolescent issues to doubletake@ljworld.com. All correspondence is strictly confidential.