Beware of holiday TV movies based solely on a “clever” title. The easiest jokes are often the least funny and the most problematic. “Three Wise Guys” (8 p.m., USA) offers a “crazy” retelling of the Christmas story from the points of view of three Mafia hitmen, who happen upon a very pregnant and very shady lady who needs help because “there is no room at the Desert Inn.”

“Wise” is the second holiday bauble this year to provide work for Tom Arnold. Here he plays a mobbed-up and brainless casino owner who dispatches a trio of hitmen to silence a couple of inconvenient snitches. The trigger-happy troika consists of the silent and surly George (Judd Nelson), the suave and vain Joey (Eddie McClintock) and Vincent (Nick Turturro), the assassin with a heart of gold.

If you think Vincent’s character sounds completely contradictory, you’ve happened upon the central problem of “Three Wise Guys.” It’s impossible to watch this “comedy” with your brain fully in gear. The film never makes up its mind. One minute the characters speak casually of murder, strippers and easy sex, and the next minute we’re awash in holiday sentiment.

The characters’ ill-defined nature renders the film’s convoluted plot endless and unendurable. And spectacularly unfunny. Look for Katey Sagal as Arnold’s wisecracking wife. Jodi Lyn O’Keefe stars as the angry and pregnant Mary who spends the movie two-timing everybody (when not picking their pockets) and then concludes the film with a gushy scene. “Wise Guys” is a complete mess, but a fascinating one, an astounding example of the utter hash Hollywood talent can make when they choose to desecrate one of the simplest and most uplifting stories.

Tonight’s other highlights

¢ Four-wheeled product placement on “Survivor: Guatemala” (7 p.m., CBS).

¢ Johnny shares his feelings “The O.C.” (7 p.m., Fox).

¢ Chris Rock stars in the 2003 comedy “Head of State” (7 p.m., ABC).

¢ Christmas at the Trumans on “Will & Grace” (7:30 p.m., NBC).

¢ A reported kidnapping yields scant evidence on “CSI” (8 p.m., CBS).

¢ A charity event rocks the finalists on “The Apprentice” (8 p.m., NBC).