Dr. Wes: This week, we begin the school year with a new Double Take co-columnist. Marissa Ballard is a Lawrence High School senior. She has written for the school newspaper, The Budget, and interviewed me last year for a story she was doing on cocaine at LHS. Thereafter, she served behind-the-scenes as a consultant for my side of the column. In that role, I came to respect her opinions and views on adolescence, and I know she’ll do a great job this year offering the teenage perspective on my advice and providing readers with a lot of her own. I asked Marissa to pick a topic for the first column. She chose the ever-fresh issue of parent/child communication.

Marissa: When it comes to the teen years, the main source of arguments and tension can often be traced to a lack of good communication. As teenagers are prone to block their parents out, it is during this time that parents have to go the extra yard to really get through to them.

As for the teenagers, it is easy to feel like your feelings and concerns are not going to be taken seriously. This fear should not keep you from voicing your opinions on matters that involve the whole family. The most important element to a good relationship is for parents to have an authoritative position, while maintaining mutual respect with their children.

Casual conversation is just as important to sustain a healthy parent and child relationship, making it much easier to discuss bigger issues in the future. It is common for a parent to feel caught between being a friend and an authority figure. By talking to your teen about anything and everything, you can establish a balance between these two extremes.

Even though it is tempting for teens to hunker down alone in their room all evening, it is worth taking time to talk to your parents. The conversation can be as simple as what everyone did during the day. Bringing up bigger topics to your parents can be harder, but following certain guidelines can make it much easier.

¢ Have patience. Wait to talk to your parent(s) until they are relaxed and not doing anything important. A good example of this is when they are watching a television show or cooking. If something stressful is going on that day, it is much better to wait. Stressed out parents can, more often than not, lead to an instant NO.

¢ Practice what you’re going to say. I know it sounds silly, but in truth it works well if you are ready with answers to the questions you know they are going to ask. Cover the who, what, where, when and why before asking for anything. By being prepared and well-informed, your parents will be more apt to feel comfortable with the issue.

¢ For parents: Try and show a genuine curiosity in things that your child is interested in, even if you cannot relate. Though he may not act like it, your teen will enjoy the chance to explain a computer game or the latest book that he’s reading.

It seems that, too often, parents and children quickly become strangers once the teen years hit. Parents can miss out on so much. Even though teens are moody, they are quickly becoming the person they are going to be, and you should enjoy contributing to that. As for the children, you should consider every bit of advice and wisdom your parents have to offer. These years are very confusing and dramatic; their input can be so helpful.

Wes: Ditto on everything Marissa suggests. In addition, here are some communication guidelines I came up with for a book I’m working on:

¢ Try to remain calm. There’s nothing as useless in communicating with a teenager as a yelling parent, and nothing as powerful as the quiet voice. Way before your teen brings up important issues with you, you should practice responding to them so you can stay cool. If you need some ideas of what to practice for – read our column. We’ll keep you ahead of the curve.

¢ Focus on influence. The point of communication is to be able to influence your teen to carry out values you hold dear. Too many parents get caught up in control, convenience and dominance. None of this is influence. You will be shocked how much you really can influence your teen through good communication.

¢ Be authoritative. Communication involves leadership, not pushing or pulling a teen. The best power you have over your teen is referent power, or tapping into your child’s desire to be like their parent (Sorry kids. I realize that sounds horrifying, but it’s true). In your communication, rely as little as possible on legitimate power (“Because I said so!”) and coercive power (“Because of what I’ll do to you if you don’t”).

¢ Quit expecting teens to respect you. (Sorry parents. I know this sounds horrifying, but it, too, is true). Nothing is worse than being disrespected. Tony Soprano kills people for disrespecting him. Thus, it isn’t useful to see communication by your teenager as purposefully disrespectful. Of course you don’t have to accept emotional abuse, but the moment you take personally anything a teenager says, the game is over – and you lose.

¢ Communicate a respectable self. If you want your teen to accept your values, be sure you are communicating clearly. Nothing is more ludicrous and hypocritical than the old saw “do as I say, not as I do.”

¢ Maintain hierarchy. You are the parent, not a recovering adolescent. Your job is to do all the smart parent things and give out consequences. Your kid is the teenager. Her job is to do the kid things, some of which are no so smart. Your jobs are incomparable. You are not friends, but neither should you be enemies. You work in the same environment toward the same goal – growing up. You just work differently. No amount of good communication will change that, but it sure can go a long way toward making your jobs easier.

Next week: A 17-year-old responds to previous columns on bad boyfriends with her dilemma of a boyfriend gone to jail.