Get-fit books come in two flavors: a workout with a side of recipes, and a diet plan with exercise on top. My own accidental plan consists of piling so many diet and exercise books on my desk that there’s no room for food. For exercise, I carry a stack of fitness books wherever I go.

I know I’ve said this before, but the fact that there are so many of these books indicates that none actually works. I have yet to receive a single diet book, for example, that recommends guzzling hot fudge and watching Simpsons reruns all day.

There’s plenty of blather out there about Atkins and South Beach and The Zone and Weight Watchers, but those barely scratch the surface of today’s popular – and bizarre – diet options. So here’s a rundown of some plans that have landed on my desk – the good, the bad and the ridiculous:

Fast Track One-Day Detox Diet by Ann Louise Gittleman

¢ The hook: Safely lose up to 8 pounds overnight.

¢ The skinny: You’re not just dumpy; you’re a walking waste dump. So says Ann Louise, whose Web site calls her the “First Lady of Nutrition.”

This diet actually takes 11 days: seven to get ready, one day to fast and three days to recover. There’s no room to go into all the details here, but suffice to say that you are asked to ingest powdered psyllium husks before the fast and spend your detox day chugging a cranberry concoction called “Miracle Juice.”

And if you’re wondering what to give at Christmas, check out her parasite test kit (screens for more than a dozen protozoans, 15 types of worms plus common yeasts.)

¢ Might work for: Anyone who would even consider buying a $155 parasite test kit.

The BioChemical Machine

-- FAD DIETS MAKE A PROMISE THAT DOESN'T ALWAY COME TRUE. Like eating three apples a day will make you lose weight. (LINDA MCCONNELL / ROCKY MOUNTAIN NEWS) **

by Eleonora De Lennart

¢ The hook: “At last – a diet that isn’t a diet!”

¢ The skinny: This un-diet (written by an un-scientist who says her specialty is the “Science of Consciousness” and her major research The Race That Should Be Human) categorizes everything you might want to put into your mouth. And we’re not just talking fats ‘n’ carbs: It puts proteins under the headings “Good,” “Bad” and “Extreme-Bad” (the way I read this, heavy cream and uncooked smoked bacon are allowed 24-7 in unlimited quantities, so they must be “good”).

It comes with two charts rife with letters and arrows and asterisks and blocks of color that can be deciphered only by a biochemist with a Ph.D. in cartography, to wit: “Eat from group ‘A’ – Eat group ‘B’ but as much as possible avoid eating from both at the same meal. Wait at least three hours before switching between ‘A’ to ‘B’ or vice versa. Neutrals may be eaten at any time with no waiting period.”

¢ Might work for: Beats me.

Fill Up to Slim Down

by Edward Diethrich

and Jyl Steinback

¢ The hook: Eat all the foods you love and still lose weight.

¢ The skinny: Go ahead – eat those fries and Snickers bars. Just not very much and not very often (read that: twice a week).

The “Fill Up Formula” focuses on fiber; the idea here – and it’s a healthy one – is that the more satisfied you are by eating beans, fiber-filled veggies and whole grains, the less likely you are to binge on the forbidden fiber-free foods that keep calling your name.

The book itself, co-written by a heart surgeon, hardly satisfies at all, however; it doesn’t seem sure exactly what it wants to be. It packs diet advice, exercise suggestions and ways to handle stress and improve heart health into 96 pages, devoting the other 161 pages to recipes, menus and other stuff, which makes it feel cookbook-ish.

¢ Might work for: Fiber fanatics seeking validation.

The Gotti Diet

by Frank Gotti Agnello

¢ The hook: This turned the Fatty Gotti into a Hotti Gotti.

¢ The skinny: Frank weighed 255 pounds by the time he turned 13, which was a mere 18 months ago. Motivated by his family’s upcoming reality series and a diagnosis of morbid obesity, Frankie lost 80 pounds in a year.

There’s no way the youngest of the three Snotti Gottis came up with this seven-step plan for weight loss without mass quantities of paid help. But there are some touching memories of the pain of being a fat kid. And there’s a full page of suggestions for making pizza more weight-loss friendly.

¢ Might work for: Teenage girls who think Frankie’s all that, and pudgy teenage boys who want access to the kind of girls who want Frankie.

The Three-Apple-A-Day Plan

by Tammi Flynn

¢ The hook: An apple a day keeps the flab away.

¢ The skinny: Flynn, a dietitian with Gold’s Gym in Wenatchee, Wash., stumbled onto a miraculous weight-loss device by recommending that one of her clients eat an apple before each meal to get more dietary fiber. Turns out the apples seemed to help lower body fat while maintaining or increasing lean muscle mass.

This book sounds wacky, but it actually has some science behind it, and some good nutritional advice. Workout plans, success stories and recipes round it out.

¢ Might work for: Frustrated dieters who want a new perspective and like apples a lot.

The Six-Pack Diet Plan

by Rehan Jalali

¢ The hook: Check out the cover – washboard abs can be yours.

¢ The skinny: The midsection of this little book contains eye-glazing words like guggelsterones and gymnema sylvestre. If that’s not off-putting enough, there’s a gob of anxiety-making information about ways to fiddle with dietary supplements, fat-loss supplements and hormone levels.

¢ Might work for: People who know what Coleus forshohlii is, or those who think it’s a good idea to pop 200 milligrams of caffeine – the equivalent of about four cans of Mountain Dew – before a workout.

The French Diet

by Michel Montignac

¢ The hook: The secrets that keep French women from getting fat.

¢ The skinny: There’s something suspicious about a book that has exactly one endorsement on the cover – from the author. This is one of those diet books with phases – including a carbless one – and lists of acceptable/forbidden foods, a kind of South Beach meets the GI diet.

The bottom line: Any diet that includes chicken liver, goose liver, duck liver and slab bacon under “Recommended Meats” needs to include a chapter on angioplasties.

¢ Might work for: Carnivorous Francophiles.

The Raw Food Detox Diet

by Natalia Rose

¢ The hook: Raw, raw, raw!

¢ The skinny: The road to raw is a long one, but Rose – nutritionist for Frederic Fekkai Spa in New York City – can help lead the way. She offers lots of helpful advice, such as “Never eat fresh fruit for dessert after a cooked meal as it will cause fermentation,” and useful factoids like “Soy is the most mucus-forming plant food on the planet!”

Admit it – you’re chock-full of toxins from years of eating Ding-Dongs with taco sauce. Enema, anyone?

It’s going to be worth it. A springtime-fresh colon might make you want to clean your wreck of a house, Rose says.

¢ Might work for: Anybody who can afford a $350 K-Tec Champ HP Blender.