So President Bush wants to strengthen American marriage with an amendment? Bring it on! But let's do it right.
I mean -- gay marriage? That's about as threatening to the wedding industry as Vera Wang. No, the real threat to your average, rock-solid, kid/dog/picket fence/credit card debt/Internet porn is, according to an informal poll I just took: the remote.
Most men would happily marry Carson Kressley if he renounced all rights to the clicker.
And many women would "I do" the "Queer Eye" star, too, if only he would turn down the TV and establish eye contact when they said, "You know, I ran into Sheila today."
So in the interest of helping Bush solidify the very institution he is so worried about, I propose the following:
Amendment XXVIII: Resolved: Congress shall make a law requiring both spouses to spend at least one weekend per year doing something one spouse considers screamingly dull but the other spouse considers completely engrossing -- e.g., antiquing, fishing, visiting a sister, visiting a sister who just had twins, attending a sporting event, even one that involves giant trucks and/or cleaning out the closets.
Furthermore, attendance at this event shall be effected without grumbling, drinking or audible sighing. Nor shall loud rock music be blasted throughout.
Amendment XXIX: No in-law shall, in time of peace, be quartered in any house without the consent of the non-blood relative.
Amendment XXX: The right of the wife to chat during TV shows shall be limited to commercial breaks, provided the right of the husband to watch TV shall end after two half-hour comedies or one full-hour drama. This law shall be suspended during any episode of "CSI," which requires total concentration by both spouses, because it is so confusing.
Amendment XXXI: The right of the husband to use the bathroom shall be contingent upon his leaving it free of gleaming globs on any porcelain surface.
Amendment XXXII: Similarly, the right of the wife to the bathroom also shall be curtailed if the fog of scented products becomes so thick that subsequent bathroom-users leave for the construction site smelling like Shalimar.
Amendment XXXIII: In all prosecutions dealing with whether a husband forgot a "special day" or even remembered the special day but not with a "special enough" gift, said husband shall submit to a speedy and public finger wag and the wife shall get over it.
Amendment XXXIV: On the other hand, husbands shall also spend at least one day a month in a Hallmark shop, and not leave without a stuffed animal, card, candy box or combination thereof, no matter how astronomical the markup.
Amendment XXXV: Questions of, "Where is the butter?" cannot be submitted without the querying spouse first walking over to the fridge, opening it and actually looking inside.
Amendment XXXVI: Spouses shall not go to bed angry -- unless they are angry at President Bush for trying to divert the nation's attention from real problems by proposing a stupid and discriminatory amendment.