Archive for Saturday, January 24, 2004

A trial run on Stewart jury

January 24, 2004


As lawyers continue jury selection for the Martha Stewart trial, legal experts suggest Martha should be looking for working moms who admire domestic proficiency and raw power. In other words, people like Stewart herself.

Listen in while two prospective jurors respond to questions from a jury selection expert.

  • Hello, prospective jurors.

Welcome to Martha Stewart Judging. I'd like you to take a few minutes out of your busy schedule to answer a few simple questions.

What? Don't have a busy schedule? Next!

My sex is:

Person A) Female.

Person B) Male. All-male. Buuurp.

My feelings about celebrity justice are:

A) I am dismayed that a successful woman would be singled out simply because she represents the nexus of corporate success (male) and domestic skills (female), making her a lightning rod for America's insecurities about sex roles, financial achievement and scone-making.

B) They should quit picking on Kobe.

Let's keep Kobe out of this and get back to scone making. A scone is a snack celebrated in this month's Martha Stewart Living. And according to that magazine, what should one always do when preparing dried apricot and sage scones?

A) Sprinkle lightly with "sanding sugar."

B) Run! Those sound awful.

You're telling me. But anyway: What is "sanding sugar"?

A) I'll look it up at the office, just as soon as I take Betsy to her trumpet lessons.

B) No effin' idea. Regular sugar is sandy enough.

So why do you think a recipe would ask for "sanding sugar," when no one knows what it is?

A) Probably because so-called "regular" sugar has a less distinctive mouthfeel, and therefore produces a more pedestrian pastry.

B) The bitch is at it again.

On to another topic in Martha's magazine. What is a credenza?

A) A piece of furniture.

B) It's a skin condition.

Can a brightly colored credenza energize a sedate space?

A) Of course -- providing it is placed against a neutral background with contrasting baseboards and doorframes.

B) Double burp.

When can a credenza make or break a room?

A) When it provides a jazzy counterpoint to more traditional accessories.

B) When it falls through the floor.

OK. Lightning round now. To make a conch shell work as a bookend, you must

A) Fill it with plaster.

B) Get it drunk.

To macerate is to

A) Soften by soaking in liquid.

B) Aw -- don't make me say it out loud.

To win this trial, Martha Stewart must

A) Pick me!

B) Show us her ...

Uh -- that's enough. Thank you very much. We'll get back to you. Meantime, help yourself to the scones on the credenza.

Lenore Skenazy is a columnist for the New York Daily News. She can be contacted via e-mail at

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