So, 38 states have now passed laws making marriage between two people of the same gender unlawful. The president and Kansas lawmakers are considering constitutional amendments barring same-sex marriages. I just can’t figure out why it is still OK in this country, where “all are created equal,” to legislate oppressive policies toward other citizens who are not in the majority — people different than “us,” whoever “we” are. Consider this:

As my brother was facing his eventual death due to AIDS, I flew to Seattle to meet with him, his partner Donald, and my sister to support him in finalizing his will. His largest asset was his home, of considerable value due to skyrocketing housing prices on the west coast and of which he was the sole owner. A couple of years earlier, his relationship with Donald being fairly new, Todd had indicated that the house would be split between myself and my sister, and we were still operating on this assumption at the time of my visit.

But as we sat around the living room discussing the division of various assets, it eventually became clear that the house should go to Donald, just like one might expect of any surviving spouse. There were some obstacles to us arriving at this conclusion more quickly, not the least of which that Donald had stated clearly in the past that he didn’t want to be a homeowner. But there was also the internal obstacle of our culture-driven view of what a “spouse” is, which hadn’t quite bubbled to the surface of all of our conscious minds.

But here was this person, Donald, sitting there on the couch next to my brother (who had retired and gone on disability due to his declining health a year or so earlier), who we all knew was the embodiment of the loving, caring and committed spouse. Here was this person who had invested copious amounts of his time and energy AND love — and was likely to spend much more — in the kind of support for a dying person that most of us cannot even imagine. Doctor visits, government forms, trips to the store for some food that Todd thought he “might” be able to hold down, dealing with the inevitable moodiness of a person suffering from pain and on and on. But there we all were, not sure if he should keep the house that he was living in.

In the end, Donald kept the house when my brother died six years later. I can’t even begin to describe his acts of love, support and devotion to my brother during those last six years. But I can tell you that any of us would consider ourselves blessed to have such a partner in our last days, weeks, months or years.

And Donald is still “Uncle Donald” to my sister’s son. In April, he’s getting “remarried” as it were, officially this time, in Canada. And, we are all invited — my parents are even going.

So I say, keep a close eye on those of “us” who are outspoken about opposing “gay marriage,” as they are not really talking about marriage at all. This issue just happens to be one for those who can’t accept all people as equal to take a hard stand while giving the appearance of legitimacy to their bigotry and condescending values towards those who are unlike their version of “us.”

And we all would do well to remember that our world is full of “us’s” and “thems.” Straight or gay is just one obvious division. But there are countless other circumstances where each of us is a member of an “us” group and everyone else is a “them.” If I’m over 40, everyone under 40 is a “them.” If I’m tall, tall people are “us” and short folks are “them.” If I’m college-educated, non-degreed people are the “them.” If I’m Catholic, Jewish, conservative, liberal, poor, able-bodied, etc., — you get the picture. Oppression and discrimination are simply oppression and discrimination. Not equal is not equal, end of story.

I’m tempted to say something about how, given “our” botching of marriage as an institution (I am twice divorced), perhaps the citizens who are gay and lesbian have something to teach us about committed relationships — you know, somehow try to rationalize that “we” might benefit from allowing “them” the same rights as “us.” But there I go with the “us” and “them” thing — OOPS, almost missed my own point. Then again, it’s one thing to write prejudicial thoughts for the newspaper, quite another to have them written into the laws of “our” land.

Mark Zwahl is a Lawrence resident and the owner of Z’s Divine Espresso. In 1993 and 1994, he lived in Seattle with his brother, who died Oct. 11, 2001.