The following intercepted letter was NOT — repeat NOT — sent to NCAA schools that participate in Division I-A football. But that doesn’t mean it couldn’t have been written.

Dear Member School,

We regret to inform you we are cutting back on the number of football games you can schedule in 2004.

Whereas you were able to play 12 games in 2002 and again in 2003, we are downsizing to 11 games in 2004, 2005, 2006 and 2007. However, you may schedule a dozen games again in 2008, but you must cut back to 11 again in 2009, 2010, 2011 and 2012.

We realize this scheduling inconsistency is as ludicrous as it is confusing, but don’t blame us. Blame the Gregorian calendar. Way back in the late 16th Century, the whimsical Pope Gregor devised a calendar that only sporadically contains 14 Saturdays from the first permissible playing date through the last playing date in November. Perhaps this is why it is so difficult today to find anyone named Gregor.

Sure, we could change the rules so that the permissible parameter of playing dates would always contain 14 Saturdays, but we’re sure you understand that would be the logical thing to do, and we don’t believe it would be in the best interests of the NCAA to foster the notion we are not hidebound in inflexibility.

We know that playing 12 games in some years and 11 games in others plays hob with your revenue flow — not to mention perpetually puzzling your fans — but rules are rules and we are, as you well know, the omnipotent voice of college sports.

If you don’t like it, you can always join the NAIA.

It has been suggested in some circles we are playing mind games with football because it is the only sport we don’t control in the postseason, that we’re so mad about our “big football” exclusion that we can’t take it any more.

All we can say to such spewers of salacious slime is: Nyah, nyah, nyah. Shame on you. Sticks and stones may break our bones, but the truth will never hurt us.

Please believe that we love football. It helps kill the time before basketball season begins. Did we mention how much money we make from our basketball contract with CBS?

Our television pact produces a king’s ransom, as you know, but remember that some of the revenue trickles down to your school based on a formula that takes into account such important factors as your enrollment of Antarcticans, your university’s ratio of watering holes to library books and the number of students who can explain just what it is Bonnie Bernstein actually does at our Holy Grail, the Final Four.

We would also like to take this opportunity to debunk the notion that we are laughing up our sleeves every time someone takes a pot shot at the Bowl Championship Series.

Our policy is that the BCS should be taken for what it is — an arbitrary solution to a problem that can be solved only by the implementation of a playoff system that we use in Div. I-AA, Div. II and Div. III.

The only difference between the BCS and our divisional football playoffs is the BCS provides monetary payoffs equivalent to the gross national product of Great Britain while our system rewards championship teams with trophies and food stamps.

Again, we’re sorry about the confusion caused by the 11- and 12-game football seasons. Granted, the scenario doesn’t really make much sense, but right now you’re stuck with it.

Oh, and have a nice day.

Perpetually yours,

The NCAA