Yu-Gi-Oh! is more ad than movie

For those who think Hollywood is churning out product instead of art, look no further than “Yu-Gi-Oh!”

This may be the first mainstream movie to have more in common with an infomercial than a screenplay.

The popular comic book/card game/TV show functions like a gaming strategy guide come to life. At times anime monsters are duking it out for real. And other times the audience is watching characters play cards (complete with a running total of Attack Points and Life Points at the bottom of the screen).

I guess if people can enjoy poker matches on ESPN then this isn’t all that different.

While trying to encapsulate the plot of “Yu-Gi-Oh!” is only slightly less cryptic than explaining “Mulholland Drive,” it has something to do with Yugi Muto, a high schooler who is world champion of the title game. (It’s played by dueling with an opponent using cards that have different warriors, magicians and monsters each with special abilities. The trick is learning how to combine or subtract cards for maximum impact.)

Yugi is also the possessor of an artifact from “long ago when the pyramids were still young” known as the Millennium Puzzle. When solved it summons the spirit of an ancient pharaoh who partially inhabits Yugi. But it also triggers the wrath of Anubis, the Egyptian god of death. The villain decides to take revenge on the pharaoh/Yugi by stacking the deck of Yugi’s rival, Seto Kaiba, a rich kid who is obsessed with defeating the youngster.

Only when Yugi and his friends get trapped inside a pyramid and are forced to contend with Anubis’ minions does the film ever generate any tension. Otherwise, it’s one “card battle brought to life” after another.

Most of the creatures and their abilities are intriguing. The names are fun by themselves: Blue-Eyes Shining Dragon, Saggi the Dark Clown, Obelisk the Tormentor. The “sport” seems rather creative in how it raids all types of cultural mythologies and weapons of science from across the ages. Thus, mechanical tanks go head to head with conniving woodland elves.

Watching the film gave me an appreciation of the chess-like complexity involved in dueling. After all, the Japanese-to-English translation of “Yu-Gi-Oh!” is “King of Games.”

Characters Tristan and Yugi are surrounded by Anubis' crew of mummies in the animated adventure Yu-Gi-Oh! The movie is based on the popular Japanese card game.

But this is a review of the MOVIE, not the game. And spending an hour and a half with this choppy animated effort left me with many questions.

  • Do preteens in the audience have any idea what the characters mean when they use words such as conundrum, postulating, whence and stratagem?
  • Why does Seto Kaiba have a K.C. Royals logo adorning his belongings?
  • Is there a reason that Max-a-Million Pegasus — the character in the movie who supposedly invented the game — is depicted as gay? He actually awakens from a nightmare by saying, “No more white wine spritzers before bedtime.”
  • Why would Warner Bros. decide to screen this movie for the press, but 20th Century Fox put a critical embargo on “Alien vs. Predator.”Does anybody remember Pokemon?