“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear second wife, whose $2.1 million toga party I planned with my former lover and billed at least half of to the company I was bilking, meaning that someday these festivities may feature prominently in my embezzlement trial, especially the part about the ice sculpture of The David peeing vodka — which, come to think of it, didn’t turn out quite as classy as it sounded when the party planner (she is so HOT!) suggested it, but anyway — Happy birthday to you!”

No, I didn’t actually hear Dennis Kozlowski sing that sweet song. Then again, maybe that part was edited out. At his trial last week in Manhattan — he and his partner Mark Swartz are accused of looting $600 million from Tyco International (and I still have no idea what Tyco does, besides swindle its employees and investors. Do you?) — the jurors were allowed to see only a 21-minute clip of the weeklong bash on Sardinia. They saw, for instance, the male models spiffy in their Speedos, and Jimmy Buffett singing to the tune of $250,000.

But left on the cutting room floor, alas, was footage of the female-shaped cake with twin sparklers protruding from just where you’d hope (if you were Howard Stern), and the tunic-clad cuties feeding grapes to guests and a full-frontal glimpse of Dave answering nature’s call.

“While I am hesitant to make this trial any less entertaining that it already has been,” ruled Judge Michael Obus, those scenes weren’t needed, he said, because, “there is no doubt that this was a lavish party.”

There is also no doubt that this was a party that has taught all of us a lesson:

Never sleep with your party planner!

It’s hard enough to stand your ground when a platonic planner is pushing truffled foie gras on toast points, or even color-coordinated paper goods. Learn, my friends, from the Kozlowski Caper:

• Never approve any party theme that already has been appropriated by National Lampoon.
• Do not throw your party on an island whose name sounds like tinned fish.
• If you really want your guests to enjoy their vodka, it should not spout from an icy anatomical appendage, no matter how artistic.
• If you are going to have a birthday cake shaped like breasts with sparklers sticking out of them — ah, forget it. What advice can I give? If that’s what you’re going to do, that’s what you’re going to do. Just make sure you have a fire extinguisher on hand.
• When choosing a musician, do not make it one who is most famous for singing the national anthem of sodden dissipation.
• If it’s your wife’s birthday, leave the mistress at home.
• If it’s billed as a business meeting, leave the grape-peeling, tush-wiggling dancing girls at home.
• If you want to stay out of jail, leave the video camera at home.

Lenore Skenazy is a columnist for the New York Daily News. Her e-mail address is lskenazy@edit.nydailynews.com.