Sheila Hogan was a college student on a visit home that night in February 1971 when her father was shot and killed during a robbery.

She could have vowed revenge on the individuals responsible, who were never caught. She could have wrapped her heart in hatred and watched it grow cold, but she didn’t.

She forgave them that very night.

“The night that he was shot and killed, I remember sitting in the hospital with my aunt, uncle and brother and praying that I would be able to forgive them and wouldn’t harbor bitterness or anger toward them because those feelings can be so destructive,” said Hogan, who now lives in Clemson, S.C.

She wanted them apprehended, but it was the possible prevention of another family’s pain that motivated her rather than vengeance. She had an incredible sense of peace, and she knew she wasn’t alone in her pain.

“By the grace of God, I was able to forgive and let go and move forward and believe that I would do fine,” she said.

She still doesn’t feel anger when she thinks back on that night. She gets sad, she said, but anger doesn’t consume her.

“Forgiveness is a powerful thing. We as humans can’t imagine that because the first thing we want to do (when we’re wronged) is hurt that other person,” Hogan said. “When you can forgive, I don’t think you carry a weight around. You don’t have those negative emotions pulling you down, and you just move forward. You let them go.”

Most people don’t experience such a tragic loss. But learning to forgive others for far less is a valuable lesson nonetheless. Yet a distinction should be made between forgiving and forgetting.

“They say let bygones be bygones, but it isn’t that easy, and a lot of times it’s totally inappropriate to forget,” said Michael Myers, a certified family therapist in Clemson. “If somebody hurts you, you don’t walk back up to them with your belly exposed. You need to restore trust and confidence in that relationship.”

Forgiveness is more than forgiving the other person, said Clemson psychologist Hope Threadgill.

“It is letting go of holding on to negative thoughts, hurt and pain for oneself. It is moving beyond confining judgments and perceptions of ourselves that keep us limited and insecure,” Threadgill said. “When you carry around anger toward another, it is felt within the self. This prevents you from living a more free and healthy lifestyle.

“When you release your anger and resentment, there is a lightness and peacefulness that comes into your heart. Letting go of that which you hold against another is letting go of it from yourself. Holding on to the anger and resentment causes one to develop a negative outlook on life, to be bitter and possibly to develop health problems.”

Forgiving a significant other for hurtful actions doesn’t make one a doormat. Of course, if physical abuse has become a regular occurrence, it would benefit the person to forgive — and get away.

“There’s no shame in loving anyone. Even if you’re tricked and stomped on, you can still be loving. You just don’t trust your vulnerability to them in the ways that they’ve hurt you,” Myers said.

“You need to forgive; otherwise, there’s no room for joy or any pleasurable experiences. True forgiveness lightens our load. If we stop acting like we’re the center of the universe, let go and stop reacting, we’ll live longer, be happier and have more chances to fill our lives with true action.”

Letting go does not mean forgetting, Threadgill said. It’s giving up feelings destructive to oneself and others.

“You are lowering the intensity of your feelings. You are not forgetting,” she said. “And most importantly, you are gaining a sense of peacefulness within your heart and the freedom to create healthier loving relationships with yourself and others, and the freedom to experience more joy in your life.”