T-shirts that speak the truth

As you may have noticed over the past half-century or so, T-shirts are becoming more and more interesting. Just walking down the street the other day, I saw shirts that said, “Shop naked” (but why?), “Surrender Martha!” (was that Eliot Spitzer?) and, “No, I will not fix your computer” (well, then, could you just explain how to get the mouse to … Hey! Come back here!).

Still, the frankest of all T-shirts are just rolling off the press. A new company called Neuroses to a T(ee) subscribes to the notion that if we could just put our problems on our chests, we also could get them off. Thus, its shirts admit all sorts of generally unspoken secrets like, “I buy a lot to fill the void,” “Emotionally unavailable men rock” and “I chain-scarf brownies in the dark.” And then there’s my favorite, “The whole family is worried.”

Now, what if everyone started wearing shirts like that — shirts that told the truth? Not the usual, “I Used to Have a Handle on Life, But It Broke,” T-shirt sort of truth. The honest-to-God, let it all hang out, “At my age, getting lucky is finding my car in the parking lot” truth. (OK, that last one’s a T-shirt, too.) But still, imagine:

George Bush: “My military advisers sent us to war and all I got was this lousy T-shirt. Plus a disastrous occupation that could cost me the 2004 election.”

Jack Nicholson: “If I wasn’t famous, I’d just be creepy.”

Calista Flockhart: “Will work for food … whatever that is.”

Winona Ryder: “It wasn’t a cry for help. It was a cry for free stuff.”

John Ashcroft: “That statue turned me on.”

Jayson Blair: “Been there, done that. Or at least checked out the Web site.”

Liza Minnelli: “If you’re single, I’m rich.”

Whitney Houston: “Just Say No To … uh … I forgot what this shirt was supposed to … What was I saying?”

Pamela Anderson: “Hurry before I deflate!”

Michael Jackson: “I’m fine. It’s the world that needs therapy.”

Anna Wintour: “Got mink?”

Larry King: “Yada, yada, yada.”

Sally Field: “You really DO like me … don’t you?”

Howard Stern: “Quit fawning and take off your clothes.”

Barbara Walters: “If you furrow your brow long enough, people think you care.”

Stephen King: “Sometimes I scare myself.”

Jason Alexander: “I wish I had Jerry’s hair. And life.”

Rudy Giuliani: “King for life.”

Colin Powell: “I’m not a Republican, but I play one on TV.”

Leona Helmsley: “It’s not easy being mean.”

Al Roker: “It’s not easy being lean.”

Christie Whitman: “It’s not easy being green. So I didn’t bother.”

Woody Allen: “Out of ideas, but not out of film.”

Britney Spears: “Qualifications? See below.”

Dick Cheney: “Now that you found me, I’m going to have to kill you.”

J.Lo: “I’m with stupid.”

Ben Affleck: “I miss Matt.”