I’m concerned about sibling rivalry between my two daughters. What are the areas of potential conflict that should be handled with care?

There are three areas that are most delicate. First, children are extremely sensitive about the matter of physical attractiveness and body characteristics. It is highly inflammatory to commend one child at the expense of the other.

Suppose, for example, that Sharon is permitted to hear the casual remark about her sister, “Betty is sure going to be a gorgeous girl.” The very fact that Sharon was not mentioned will probably establish the two girls as rivals. If there is a significant difference in beauty between the two, you can be assured that Sharon has already concluded, “Yeah, I’m the ugly one.” When her fears are then confirmed by her parents, resentment and jealousy are generated.

Second, the matter of intelligence is another sensitive nerve. It is not uncommon to hear parents say in front of their children, “I think the younger boy is actually brighter than his brother.” Even when the comments are unplanned and are spoken routinely, they convey how a child is “seen” within his family. We are all vulnerable to that bit of evidence.

Third, children (and especially boys) are extremely competitive with regard to athletic abilities. Those who are slower, weaker and less coordinated than their brothers are rarely able to accept “second best’ with grace and dignity. Consider, for example, the following note given to me by the mother of two boys. It was written by her 9-year-old son to his 8-year-old brother, the evening after the younger child had beaten him in a race.

“Dear Jim:

“I am the greatest and your the badest. And I can beat everybody in a race and you can’t beat anybody in a race. I’m the smartest and your the dumbest. I’m the best sport player and your the badest sport player. And your also a hog. I can beat anybody up. And that’s the truth. And that’s the end of this story.

“Yours truly,

“Richard’

This note is humorous to me because Richard’s motive was so poorly disguised. He had been badly stung by his humiliation on the field of honor, so he came home and raised the battle flags. Such is the nature of humankind.

Sometimes my husband and I disagree on our discipline and argue in front of our children about what is best. Do you think this is damaging?

Yes, I do. You and your husband should present a united front, especially when children are watching. If you disagree on an issue it can be discussed later in private. Unless the two of you can come to a consensus, your children’s perception of right and wrong will begin to appear arbitrary. They will also make an “end run” around the tougher parent to get the answers they want.

There are even more serious consequences for boys and girls when parents are radically different in their approach. Some of the most hostile, aggressive teenagers I’ve seen have come from family constellations where the parents have leaned in opposite directions in their discipline. Suppose the father is unloving and uninterested in the welfare of his kids. His approach is harsh and physical. He comes home tired and may knock them around if they get in his way.

The mother is permissive by nature. She worries every day about the lack of love in the father-child relationship. Eventually she sets out to compensate for it. When Dad sends their son to bed without his dinner, Mom slips him milk and cookies. When he says “no” to a particular request, she finds a way to say “yes.” She lets the kids get away with murder because it is not in her spirit to confront them.

What happens under these circumstances is that the authority figures in the family contradict and cancel out each other. Consequently, the child is caught in the middle and often grows up hating both. It doesn’t always work that way, but the probability for trouble is high. The “middle ground” between extremes of love and control must be sought if we are to produce healthy, responsible children.