Orlando, Fla. ? Jose Canseco has a lot of time to ponder these days. As he sits under house arrest in Miami, the former American League MVP must be wondering what the world is coming to.

It was at his feet not all that long ago. Another thing usually found under his foot was an accelerator, pressed hard to the floor.

Canseco lived life in the fast lane, whizzing along with no hands on the wheel. Everything was super-sized, from his swooping swing to his biceps to his love life to his mishaps. Like when the fly ball bounced off his head for a home run. That kind of thing only could happen to a guy who dated Madonna.

The faster you go, however, the harder you crash. This is the modern definition of the crash and burn:

“Spend the afternoon with Jose at his house in South Florida. Ideas for activities: Private power-hitting instruction, private martial-arts instruction, workout with Jose, and cookout by the pool. . . .

“Cashier’s check or money orders only.”

You’ve heard of My Dinner With Andre, available on DVD for $16.98 at Blockbuster? Now you can have an afternoon with Jose, available for $2,500 on josecanseco.com.

How does a guy go from being baseball’s first 40-40-40 man (40 homers, 40 steals, 40 speeding tickets) to a human eBay item? It’s sad enough when jocks auction off Super Bowl rings to help make ends meet. Canseco is a cautionary tale to those living and loving the fast life.

Invest wisely. Don’t get in fights, especially with your wife. If you want to provide comic relief, don’t do it as a pitcher.

Jose did and blew out his elbow. Or maybe it was from the steroids he claimed 85 percent of major-leaguers were taking.

You’d think Canseco would have learned that life has consequences. But Jose and brother Ozzie were busted for battery after a nightclub brawl. Bash Brother No. 1 then violated his probation and was placed under two years of house arrest.

Since Canseco no longer can go out and earn an easy living, he figured the easy living could come to him. The auction was open until Saturday, and the minimum bid was $2,500. I counted 49 bids Thursday, though some probably won’t meet Canseco’s requirements.

One guy bid $0. Under “Bash This” somebody identifying herself as ex-wife “Ester Canseco” bid $2,505. Barry Zito supposedly bid $2,500. “YourAJailbird” bid minus-$9,999,999.

You get the feeling people aren’t taking this seriously? Then again, we are talking Jose.

I e-mailed about 20 bidders, hoping to find out if A) they are making legit bids, B) they need counseling. None responded, which made me think Canseco’s homemade 401k plan might not pan out.

Celebrity athletes may think the world always will be crazy about them. But for carnival acts like Jose, it’s more fascination than admiration. You easily can imagine other deluded washouts trying Jose’s sales pitch.

“Spend the afternoon with Mike Tyson. Ideas for activities: Jumping rope, tattoo removal, Prozac. Cookout to follow. Menu includes ears and selected Lennox Lewis children.”

“Spend the evening with Martha Burk. Ideas for activities: Complaining about toilet seats being left up. Cookout by pool. MS. BURK WILL NOT BE EXPECTED TO COOK!”

Who knows, maybe Canseco is on to something here. But as he sits in his house waiting for serious bids to come in, it slowly may be dawning on him what the world is coming to.

Its senses.