Miami ? You know we’ve reached an absurd place in our country’s history when Nuke LaLoosh, one of the funniest characters in the history of sports movies, evidently is threatening our national security. Nuke has become the goofiest figure to stick his beak amid Iraq’s bullets and bombs, somehow supplanting Geraldo.

The wonderful actor who played Nuke in Bull Durham, Tim Robbins, has been loudly antiwar. So has his longtime girlfriend, Susan Sarandon, who played baseball vixen Annie in the movie. This is not good in today’s volatile climate, as even the Dixie Chicks have learned, because if you are anti-war, you must also be anti-American and by extension anti-baseball. You probably carry a picture of Saddam around in your wallet, too. Also, you might be a pedophile.

So Nuke and Annie learned that baseball’s Hall of Fame, that great protector of American liberties, has canceled a 15-year anniversary celebration of Bull Durham that had been scheduled for later this month simply because Nuke is anti-nukes.

Honestly. There hasn’t been news this bad in the Robbins-Sarandon household since Robbins appeared in Howard The Duck.

The Hall is a shrine to various racists, addicts and assorted louts, but someone who is anti-death isn’t welcome there, apparently. Pete Rose might soon be whisked through those hallowed doors, but not an actor with a dissenting opinion.

“In a free country such as ours, every American has the right to his or her own opinions, and to express them,” Hall of Fame president Dale Petroskey wrote to Robbins in calling off the anniversary party. “Public figures have platforms much larger than the average American’s, which provides you an extraordinary opportunity to have your views heard — and an equally large obligation to speak and act responsibly. We believe your very public criticism of President Bush at this important — and sensitive — time in our nation’s history helps undermine the U.S. position, which could put our troops in even more danger.”

In other words, free speech is only free if Petroskey happens to agree with it. Petroskey is a former assistant press secretary for Ronald Reagan, which is why an upset Robbins wrote back in part, “I had been unaware baseball was a Republican sport.” Robbins signed his letter, “Long live democracy, free speech and the ’69 Mets — all improbably glorious miracles that I’ve always believed in.”

This whole thing is funny, outrageous and unbelievable.

I was sucked into this surreal world as Robbins made the media rounds, his publicists approaching sports writers unsolicited. So now Nuke LaLoosh is actually on my phone while my fax machine hums with a statement of support from Kevin Costner.

Robbins, unfortunately, sounded tired, beaten and way too serious. I playfully asked if he was going to “announce his presence with authority,” the way Nuke promised when shaking off Crash to throw the heat, but he chuckled and said, “I don’t think this is very funny. I’m trying to find the humor in it.”

Robbins alternately called his situation at the middle of this mess “distressing” and “daunting” but added, “I’m pretty resilient.”

Officials at the Hall of Fame chose not to comment, letting the letter speak for itself and proving that maybe Crash was giving Nuke the right advice all along in the back of that minor-league bus. Better to spit benign cliches, Meat, than to think for yourself.