Dear friends: It is with some embarrassment that I write this note, but I let you down, and I must apologize.

When you joined me at my 40th birthday party not that long ago, you recall it was a rollicking affair with several brands of beer, food “made by hand on the premises” (OK, my kitchen), and music as hip and happenin’ as, oh, late Beatles.

I never dreamed I was depriving you, dear friends, of what you deserve: The very best in celebrations. I was not keeping up with the Kozlowskis.

So I apologize for forcing you to greet my fifth decade in a crowded suburban living room, rather than on the Costa Smeraldo in Sardinia, at a hillside loggia nestled between sea views and a golf course where Karen Mayo, wife of L. Dennis Kozlowski when he ran Tyco International, had the good taste and Tyco’s good fortune to fete her 40th.

I’m sorry we didn’t have toga-clad waiters to pour Stolichnaya through a giant ice sculpture of Michelangelo’s David. We didn’t have any waiters. But many thanks to all of you who did such quick work when our dog Rocky forgot himself on the rug.

As long as I’m clearing the air, I’m also sorry that I didn’t rent fig trees, as Ms. Mayo did, to wave their fruited limbs over the tables. At least I watered my plants in honor of your arrival.

Finally, please forgive me for not hiring an Elvis impersonator to sing “Happy Birthday” as fireworks burst in the background. We had to settle for the caterwauls of a few tipsy family members and a barking dog.

And believe me no one is sorrier than I for my paltry party. The Kozlowski extravaganza cost $2.1 million, and Tyco picked up half the tab. My party cost maybe a hundred bucks, and what did my employer give me?

A vacation day off.

Dear Bed, Bath & Beyond: I am writing to apologize for not doing more to enhance your bottom line. I thought the bill I ran up in August, when I spent a small fortune outfitting a college dorm room the size of a broom closet, would surely have put me on your “best customers” list.

Alas, I was naive. It seems that this Dennis Kozlowski guy spent a cool $6,000 of Tyco money for a brocade shower curtain. And here I thought it extravagant to replace my $9.99 plastic liner every year or so!

That Kozlowski. He probably didn’t even use the 20-percent-off coupon. What class.

Dear Kids: You know how proud I am that you’ve learned to sew on buttons and hem your jeans. Now I have a confession.

I thought that, even though the handle is breaking and we often run out of thread, the old sewing box that was a wedding present from Aunt Pearl was enough to serve our domestic needs. Call me old-fashioned, but I didn’t know that pincushions sold for as much as $445, and you could spend $6,300 on a sewing basket.

Nor did I know that CEOs can actually dupe their companies into paying for these things. Sorry, kids. Ol’ mom has a lot to learn.

I still have a job, though.

Dear Rocky: You are sweet and loyal. I forgive you for making a mess at my birthday party. Now, will you forgive me? For I have failed to lavish you with the kind of gifts the Kozlowski pooch got.

Investigators discovered that Master Dennis spent $15,000 of his company’s money for a dog umbrella stand. I don’t know if that’s a stand for a dog umbrella, or an umbrella stand decorated with the likeness of his dog, but as you know, dear pet, we have neither.

We are, however, home to walk you every night. I’m not sure that Kozlowski, indicted on charges of evading $1 million in taxes, will be able to make that same promise for very long.

Jane R. Eisner is a columnist for Philadelphia Inquirer. Her e-mail address is jeisnerphillynews.com.