My little boy always wants to know just how far I will let him go. Once he has tested me and found I’m serious about what I say, he’ll usually cooperate at that point. What is going on in his mind?

Your child, and most other kids, has a great need to know where behavioral boundaries are and who has the courage to enforce them. Let me illustrate how that works.

Years ago, during the early days of the progressive education movement, an enthusiastic theorist decided to take down the chain-link fence that surrounded the nursery school yard. He thought the children would feel more freedom of movement without that visible barrier surrounding them. When the fence was removed, however, the boys and girls huddled near the center of the play yard. Not only did they not wander away; they didn’t even venture to the edge of the grounds. Clearly, there is a security for all of us in defined boundaries. That’s why a child will push a parent to the point of exasperation at times. He’s testing the resolve of his parents and exploring the limits of his world.

Do you want further evidence of this motivation? Consider the relationships within a family where the dad is a firm but loving disciplinarian, the mother is indecisive and weak, and the child is a strong-willed spitfire. Notice how the mother is pushed, challenged, sassed, disobeyed and insulted, but the father can bring order with a word or two. What is going on here? Simply that the child understands and accepts dad’s strength. The limits are clear. There is no reason to test him again. But mom has established no rules and she is fair game for a fight every day if necessary.

The very fact that your child accepts the boundaries you have set tells you that he or she respects you. And that youngster will still test the outer limits occasionally to see if the fence is still there.

My 5-year-old is one of those rambunctious kids who gives us fits. There are times when I think he’s trying to take over the entire family. I’ve never really understood him before, but I guess he just doesn’t want anyone telling him what to do.

That is precisely how he feels. It is surprising how commonly this basic impulse of children is overlooked. Indeed, I think the really tough kids understand the struggle for control even better than their parents who are bogged down with adult responsibilities and worries. Children devote their primary effort to the power game, while we grown-ups play only when we must. Some time you might ask a group of children about the adults who lead them. They will instantly tell you, with one voice, which grown-ups are skilled in handling them and which aren’t. Every schoolchild can name the teachers who are in control and those who are intimidated by kids.

One father overheard his 5-year-old daughter, Laura, say to her little sister who was doing something wrong, “Mmmm, I’m going to tell mommy on you. No! I’ll tell daddy. He’s worse!” Laura had evaluated the authority of her two parents and concluded that one was more effective than the other.

This same child was observed by her father to have become especially disobedient and defiant. She was irritating other family members and looking for ways to avoid minding her parents. Her dad decided not to confront her directly, but to punish her consistently for every offense until she settled down. Thus, for three or four days, he let Laura get away with nothing. She was spanked, stood in the corner and sent to her bedroom. Near the end of the fourth day, she was sitting on the bed with her father and younger sister. Without provocation, Laura pulled the hair of the toddler who was looking at a book. Her dad promptly thumped her on the head with his large hand. Laura did not cry, but sat in silence for a moment or two, and then said, “Hurrummph! All my tricks are not working!”

This is the conclusion you want your strong-willed son to draw: “It’s too risky to take on Mom or Dad, so let’s get with the program.”

Dr. Dobson is president of the nonprofit organization Focus on the Family, P.O. Box 444, Colorado Springs, CO. 80903; or www.family.org.