Child-rearing frustrations are common

I worry so much about my children and wonder if I’m raising them wisely. Every few days my husband and I encounter a problem we don’t know how to handle. Is it common for other parents to feel this way? It never has been easy to raise healthy and productive children. After all, babies come into the world with no instructions and you pretty much have to assemble them on your own. They are also maddeningly complex, and there are no guaranteed formulas that work in every instance. And finally, the techniques that succeed magnificently with one child can fail bewilderingly with another.

This difficulty in raising children is a recurring theme in the letters we receive at Focus on the Family. We have heard it so often, in fact, that we decided to conduct a poll to ascertain the common frustrations of parenting. The answers received from more than 1,000 mothers and fathers were very revealing. Some responded with humor, especially those who were raising toddlers. They told the most delightful stories about sticky telephones, wet toilet seats and knotted shoestrings. Their experiences reminded me of the days when Shirley and I were chasing ambitious preschoolers.

Tell me why it is that a toddler never throws up in the bathroom? Never! To do so would violate some great unwritten law in the universe. It is even more difficult to understand why he will gag violently at the sight of a perfectly wonderful breakfast of oatmeal, eggs, bacon and orange juice and then go out and drink the dog’s water. I have no idea what makes him do that. I only know that it drives his mother crazy!

Unfortunately, the majority of those who responded to our questionnaire did not share funny stories about cute children. Many of them were experiencing considerable frustration in their parenting responsibilities. Rather than being critical of their children, however, most said they were troubled by their own inadequacies as mothers and fathers!

Their answers revealed the great self-doubt that is prevalent among parents today, including these actual responses:

“Not knowing how to cope with children’s problems.”

“Not being able to make the children feel secure and loved.”

“I’ve lost confidence in my ability to parent.”

“I’ve failed my children.”

“I’m not the example I should be.”

“Seeing my own bad habits and character-traits in my children.”

“Inability to relate to my children.”

“Dealing with guilt when it seems that I have failed my sons.”

“Inability to cope.”

“It’s too late to go back and do it right.”

“I’m overwhelmed by the responsibility of it all.”

Isn’t it incredible to observe how tentative we have become about this task of raising children? Parenting is hardly a new technology, yet we’ve become increasingly nervous about bringing up the baby. It is a sign of the times.

Why do you think parents are so quick to criticize themselves? What is the source of the self-doubt that seems so prevalent?

It is a cultural phenomenon. Mothers, especially, have been blamed for everything that can conceivably go wrong with children. Even when their love and commitment are incalculable, the experts accuse them of making grievous errors in toilet training, disciplining, feeding, medicating and educating their youngsters. They are either overpossessive or undernourishing. Their approach is either harsh or permissive. One psychiatrist even wrote an entire book on the dangers of religious training, blaming parents for scaring children with talk of the next world. Thus, no matter how diligently “Mom” approaches her parenting responsibilities, she is likely to be accused of twisting and warping her children.

Perhaps this explains why women are more critical of themselves than men. Eighty percent of the respondents to our poll were women, and their most frequent comment was, “I’m a failure as a mother!” What nonsense! Women have been taught to think of themselves in this way, and it is time to set the record straight.

The task of procreation was never intended to be so burdensome. Of course it is demanding. And children are challenging, to be sure. But the guilt and doubt that often encumber the parenting responsibility are largely self-imposed. It’s time we restored the confidence to those who are working so hard to raise their children with love and wisdom.


Dr. Dobson is president of the nonprofit organization Focus on the Family, P.O. Box 444, Colorado Springs, CO. 80903, or www.family.org.