Dear regular churchgoer,

I’m writing to you as a fellow churchgoer who thinks we have some problems festering in the pews.

Like gnats at a picnic, they buzz throughout the nave during a worship service, irritating folks just enough to produce unholy thoughts.

The problems aren’t new or unique to a particular church. In fact, they’ve probably been around as long as there have been pews and preachers.

I’ve decided it’s time to speak up and rally the faithful to do something about these irritants. After all, it’s nearly Easter, the Sunday that most churches have their highest attendance of the year. What kind of image do you want your church to project?

Based on my experiences at various churches as well as on what I’ve heard others grumble about, I’ve come up with a list of 10 complaints, in no particular order:

1. “I can’t hear what’s being said.”

Who attends churches the most? The elderly and baby boomers. Who has the worst hearing problems? (See answer to previous question.) If your church doesn’t have a decent public address system, get one. And learn to use it correctly.

2. “She slurs her words and mumbles.”

Huh? What did he say? If you’re speaking to an audience  whether reading the Scriptures or making a general announcement  practice. Speak slowly and distinctly so that people in the back can hear you.

3. “The organ drowns everything out.”

I appreciate the artistic playing of a church organ, but is it necessary to play at a decibel level that rivals a jet engine? (Church bands and orchestras: This caution is for you, too.) And organists need to practice the baby-bear theory of pacing  not too slow, not too fast, but just right.

4. “It’s either too hot or too cold inside the church.”

If a church usher does nothing else, he or she must learn to regulate the temperature in the nave. By setting the thermostat 20 minutes before the service  when the church is mostly empty  don’t think that the temperature will be comfortable when the church is mostly full.

5. “The sermon is too long.”

Attention, preachers: Long sermons (and long services) can be hazardous to your congregation’s health. Remember the story of St. Paul’s long-winded sermon (Acts 20:7-12)? Eutychus, who was sitting in a window, fell asleep and landed on the ground three stories below. You don’t think Paul was more cautious after that?

6. “Nobody speaks to visitors.”

Introduce yourself before or after the service to someone you don’t know. So what if he or she turns out to be a church member who hasn’t been there since psychedelic chasubles were in vogue? Get acquainted.

7. “Parents won’t quiet their screaming children.”

Children act up; it’s a fact of life. If you’re the parent, kindly take the child out till he or she settles down. If you’re the irritated worshipper, don’t turn around and glare. You only add to the stress of the moment.

8. “Everybody sits toward the back of the church.”

You don’t have small children? Then move closer to the front of the church. Save the pews in the back for latecomers and parents with kids.

9. “I can’t follow along with all the hymnals and worship folders.”

Ever try juggling two hymnals, a reprint of a prayer or contemporary hymn and a supplementary worship folder all at the same time? I’m not opposed to a variety of resources, but don’t expect visitors to keep up with your church’s version of “the worship service shuffle.”

10. “The church is always asking for money.”

Of all the gripes, this one is probably the most prevalent  and most bogus. It’s a ready-made excuse to dismiss the church altogether. Certainly some churches are fixated on money, though it is a valid subject. If you’re bugged about it, try a different church.

(Note to preachers: Skip the subject on Easter Sunday. No point in upsetting first-timers.)

Fixing these problems won’t make everything right with your church or mine. But correcting them may enhance the experience and encourage Easter attendees to return.

And in today’s hypercritical, hypersensitive society, that could be a modern-day miracle.