Frontera, Calif. ? A parole board refused Friday to grant freedom to former Manson disciple Leslie Van Houten after a lengthy and emotional hearing at which she said she would always bear the sorrow of the cult killings that landed her in prison 33 years ago.

The ruling came after a prosecutor and the family of the victims urged the Board of Prison Terms never to grant parole to the now 52-year-old woman described as a model prisoner.

“This was a cruel and calculated murder and a matter that demonstrates a disregard for human suffering,” said Sharon Lawin, the board commissioner who chaired the hearing.

It was Van Houten’s 14th appearance before the parole board, and had been considered her best chance yet of winning release. A judge earlier this month strongly admonished the board for flatly turning her down every time based solely on the crime, without taking into account her accomplishments in prison.

“My heart aches and there seems to be no way to convey the amount of pain I caused,” Van Houten told the state parole board during the hearing Friday.

Charles Manson, his chief lieutenant Charles “Tex” Watson and three women Van Houten, Susan Atkins and Patricia Krenwinkle were convicted and sentenced to death for their roles in the 1969 slayings of actress Sharon Tate, Leno and Rosemary La Bianca, and four others. The sentences were later commuted to life when the U.S. Supreme Court struck down the death penalty in the 1970s.

All five Manson “family” members are still behind bars.

Defense attorney Christie Webb said Van Houten was disappointed, frustrated and saddened by the ruling.

“It’s very difficult to be a 52-year-old woman, a decent person and to be treated in that room like the 19-year-old cult victim she was,” Webb said. “It’s very difficult to hear someone say you should be dead.”