Skating controversy too good to let go away

? Despite efforts to resolve the figure-skating scandal, it continues to rage out of control here, at least in the media center, where riot police have been called in to quell fighting among roving gangs of Canadian, Russian and French journalists. As of this morning, 17 people had been treated for wounds inflicted by Bic pens.

The trouble stems from the now-infamous pairs competition, in which the gold medal was awarded to the Russians, despite the fact that the clear winners were the pair from Canada, who have since become the most famous Canadians in world history, surpassing even (EDITOR: Please insert names of some famous Canadians here).

The judges’ decision touched off a firestorm of outrage, with most of the attention focused on the French judge, Marie-Reine Le Gougne. Among the highly suspicious facts that have come to light about her are:

1. She appears to have two first names.

2. The letters in “Marie-Reine Le Gougne” can be rearranged to spell “An eerie groin legume.”

3. A person looking exactly like her can clearly be seen in the background of the Zapruder film.

The scandal became so huge that it threatened to tarnish the reputation of figure skating, which is not easy, since, ethically speaking, figure skating already has basically the same reputation as the Soprano family. And so on Friday, action was taken to restore the integrity of the sport. This action was taken by get ready for some irony the International Olympic Committee (motto: “No Longer Openly Accepting Bribes”).

Specifically, the IOC ruled that:

1. The Russians will keep their gold medals for pairs figure skating.

2. A second set of gold medals for pairs figure skating will be awarded to the Canadians.

3. Henry L. Curdlicker, who drove the Zamboni machine, will also be given a gold medal for pairs figure skating.

4. The Trial Lawyers Association will file a class-action lawsuit on behalf of “the potentially millions of other people who may be entitled to receive gold medals in pairs figure skating.”

5. The Oakland Raiders will be declared winners of the Raiders-Patriots playoff game, because a review of the videotape shows that, in the words of IOC President Jacques Rogge, “Brady clearly fumbled the ball.”

6. The Eerie Groin Legumes would be a good name for a rock band.

Unfortunately, these actions have not ended the controversy. The Russians are furious because their gold medals are tainted. The Canadians are furious because THEIR “gold medals,” which the IOC had to purchase at the last minute from a local trophy store, are in fact plastic medallions labeled “FIRST PRIZE 1987 UTAH STATE FAIR BEST ZUCCHINI.” The French are furious because they are French. The only happy group is the American press corps. As long as we can keep the scandal going, we get to stay indoors and write about it, instead of freezing our butts off watching the biathlon.

Coming today: Kenneth Lay wins giant slalom.