Park City, Utah ? In a spectacular mountain setting, under a gorgeous blue sky, 14,000 spectators turned out to watch the luge event, and to try to answer the question that is always raised by the luge event, which is: Where the heck IS the luge event?

This question arises because of the mysterious nature of luge, a sport in which competitors ride sleds down an ice-covered track, lying on their backs, feet forward. This is not to be confused with another Olympic sport, “skeleton,” in which competitors lie on their stomachs, face-forward; or “kvilch,” in which competitors lie on their backs, face forward; or “bunnyslinger,” in which competitors lie on their stomachs, feet forward; or “Yow,” in which competitors lie on their sleds sideways, and their faces get scraped off.

The track for all of these sliding events is a huge, twisting structure, sprawling down the side of a mountain. As a spectator, you go inside this structure, which means that the luge competition is actually going on all around you. It’s like going to a football game and being allowed right down onto the field! The only difference is, YOU CAN’T SEE ANYTHING.

Oh, you can HEAR things. There’s a public-address system, with the two mandatory enthusiastic announcer dudes talking constantly, making each run sound very exciting.

“OK,” they’ll say, “here comes Demtschenko. … He’s looking good. … He’s … WHOA! He’s having some trouble! Now he’s OK. … And now he’s … WHOA!! He almost lost it there! And now he’s … WHOA!!! Look at that! OHMYGOD DID YOU SEE THAT?!? This is one exciting run, folks!”

As a spectator, you’re hearing this, and you’re looking frantically around for the luge event, but all you’re seeing is other spectators, some of whom are also trying to find the luge event, some of whom are waiting in line for refreshments, and some of whom the ones who’ve been at the luge track for a while are reading newspapers. Every few minutes you’ll hear a whooshing sound, and ZIPPP, something will go past in a billionth of a second, moving way too fast for you to identify it. It MIGHT be a luge competitor, but there is simply no way for the human eyeball to tell. This was proved in the 1992 Olympic luge finals, when the prank-loving Austrian team sent a Sears microwave oven down the track. It won the gold.

But the festive crowd of Utahans here didn’t seem to mind the fact that they were watching an invisible event. The Utahans don’t seem to mind ANYTHING, including outdoor portable toilets cold enough to be used as meat freezers. (Not that I would recommend this.)

In conclusion, the luge event was a fine competition, I am told. The winners, on the day I attended, were as follows: gold medal, Armin Zoeggeler from Italy; silver, Georg Hackl from Germany; and bronze, a high-efficiency washer/dryer from Maytag.

BRITNEY SPEARS OLYMPIC UPDATE: Britney Spears has nothing to do with these Olympics. I’m just trying to boost reader interest in the luge.

FIGURE-SKATING SCANDAL UPDATE: International tension is mounting. At any moment we expect the Rev. Jesse Jackson to step in.